The Rio Olympics: Another Embarrassing Mess From Incompetent Globalists

Russia had made a last-ditch plea to IAAF president Sebastian Coe to lift its ban in time for athletes to compete at the Rio Olympics

Isn’t globalism great? Diplomats and heads of state meet in well-publicized meetings (or not-so-well-publicized ones) and convince each other that their country is just as capable, advanced and developed as everyone else’s.

“Don’t listen to the jingoists on the internet,” I imagine they say. “In a globalized economy, Rio is just as good as London.”

As it turns out, not so much.

The acting Governor of Rio de Janeiro has declared a state of financial disaster just two months before the Olympic Games is due to be hosted in the city.

In a statement, the Governor’s office said, “The financial crisis has brought several difficulties in essential public services and it could cause the total collapse of public security, health care, education, urban mobility and environmental management.”

Wow. Total collapse isn’t a phrase you see often in government announcements, which normally have a “nothing to see here, move along,” vibe.

The situation in Rio is so grim, I bet the government is searching every nook and cranny for any surviving Nazi war criminals they gave refuge to in order to take over and fix things. They might have been disgusting racist bastards, sure, but at least they knew how to build motorways.

As you’d expect from a clown-car country like Brazil, they aren’t even remotely ready for the Games. The metro line connecting the Olympic Park to the rest of the city isn’t finished yet. Forget having the trains run on time — will the trains run at all?

Of all the problems the Olympics venues have, the worst is the sailing venue, which also happens to be a raw sewage dump. Whenever I am thinking about breaking my diet, I imagine being an Olympic sailor navigating my vessel through pollution, garbage, raw human waste, and, erm, wasted humans, and suddenly my cravings for carbs are gone.

If I’m still having trouble, I just remember that Brazil has 20 people engaging in open defecation every square kilometre.

Brazil is as good with money as Greece, without all the great architecture, philosophy, poetry, democracy… You get the idea. At least when Greece collapses there’ll be some nice Corinthian columns to gaze at from the refugee camp.

I’m sure hosting the Games seemed like a good idea at the time. After all, Brazil is a BRIC economy, which in globalism-speak means “almost as good as us,” and the country seemed ready to show the world it was capable of more than just good soccer, cocaine, and breast implants.

I mean sure, 6 per cent of the population still lives in the favelas, a type of crime-ridden Brazilian slum with rates of violence often compared to warzones, but the nice diplomats at those global meetings don’t come from there, do they? Dressed in the same smart suits and drinking the same champagne and making the same jokes about how dumb their populist opponents are back home, globalists from any country no doubt have an easy time convincing each other that they’re all just the same.

I mean, how else could they pick Rio, which is basically a giant toilet, for the Olympics? Was Aleppo booked?

We all know what’s going to happen. When everyone is in the stadium for the opening ceremony there will be a massive gunfight on the field. Everyone will cheer, thinking it’s a carefully choreographed spectacle, but it will be a real gunfight. Because it’s Rio. 

How will athletes get from the Olympic Village to events without getting mugged? I hope America is sending the Green Berets and England is sending the SAS because it won’t be far off from Black Hawk Down.

I’ve considered going on assignment for Breitbart to the Olympics, but my doctor sat me down and told me travelling to Brazil is the only HIV risk factor I am not in the 99th percentile for already.

It’s a well documented fact that athletes of all sexual persuasions copulate like rabbits during the Olympics. Why on earth would you send them to the AIDS capital of the western hemisphere? It boggles the mind! Yes, they hand out free condoms by the fistful but let’s be honest, swimmers only like performance enhancing rubber suits in the swimming pool.

They speak Portuguese in Brazil, if you cared. You don’t either? I know but people keep reminding me of this like it’s interesting. Still, lovely asses down there. I mean, in 18 years, all the hookers will have droopy tits but their back ends will still be 10/10.

Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing I love more than being robbed and murdered in a bad bit of town next to a baby with a head the size of a golf ball. But yeah, let’s go to Brazil, spread an infectious disease to all the world’s mosquito populations and then invest in a company that makes very small hats.

Gay men of course love the Olympics, though now that they’re no longer performed naked and covered in olive oil, I for one don’t see the point.

Brazil is so corrupt it makes Hillary Clinton look like. Well I can finish that simile with almost anybody, really, can’t I? Somebody other than Hillary Clinton. Perhaps that’s a clue; the only thing the media protects more than Hillary is the Rio Olympics.

The global elite made the same mistake with the 2022 FIFA World Cup, for which Qatar, a middle eastern hell-hole, was allowed to be the host nation. After awarding them with host status, globalists then acted surprised when it emerged that the Qataris had bribed FIFA officials and were using slave labour to construct the stadium.

I mean, they’re a country run by Arab sheikhs. What did you expect?

Likewise, the global elite expected Brazil, a country riddled with corruption and crime, whose economy is wedded to fluctuating markets like oil and minerals, to do a good job hosting the Olympic Games. Like, I’m sure the parties in Rio will be good, but hosting the Olympics takes more than champagne, flamboyant costumes, and being hot. Otherwise I’d be hosting them myself!

Brazil is also a country in political turmoil. It’s currently in the process of impeaching its female president. This brings chaos of course, and you’re probably ready for me to rail against it. To be honest, I think it’s a good thing! The world needs fewer female leaders if Brazil’s Dilma Rousseff and Germany’s Angela Merkel are anything to go by.

To add insult to injury, they haven’t even sold all the tickets for the Olympics. Perhaps as much as half of the tickets for the Olympics are still up for sale, including many for soccer. Not being able to sell out soccer in a soccer-crazy country is the single greatest portent of the looming disaster the Olympics is facing.

Then there’s the Zika virus. I really don’t know much about Zika because I don’t care about humanity’s suffering, but here’s what I do know, it’s most dangerous to pregnant women. Still, pregnant women shouldn’t worry too much about Zika — if you’re going to Rio, you’ll probably die in a mugging long before you realize you’ve contracted the virus.

Only an organization as stupid as the International Olympics Committee could think the intelligent response to a massive outbreak of a communicable disease is to flood the area with tourists and representatives from every country on earth. It’s the same logic the Europeans elites used when they thought it was a good idea to flood Europe with Muslim men whose hobbies include public rape, public defecation, and public child molestation.

Many athletes are dropping out of the Olympics instead of facing Zika. Maybe this is some sort of crafty plan by Obama to make sure the US athletes face the junior varsity team. This may sound a bit tinfoil but fighting ISIS, the junior varsity team in the war on terror has worked out just fine hasn’t it?

Many women refusing to appear at the Olympics, scared that their future children may be damaged by Zika. Remember the good old days when the entire Eastern Bloc would send burly “women to compete?” Those ladies would today rumble “Zika, no problem comrade” because let’s be honest, they were never going to bear children.

Nowadays only terrorist states like North Korea send suspiciously mannish females to the Olympics. Assuming you ignore the caterpillared upper lips of female competitors from the Middle East. I hope the ladies that do participate in the Olympics this year enjoy it, because I predict by 2020 the Olympics women’s events will be completely dominated by trannies.

Mismanagement, of which there has been plenty in Rio, has a twin brother called corruption, and the Olympics are also the most corrupt entity I know of. The IOC makes FIFA look like a bunch of altar boys (good, decent altar boys I mean, not like the kind I was).

Many Americans recall the embarrassment when President Obama flew to Europe for the 2016 Olympics site selection only to come in last place. It was another snub for America and her president, one in a long line that recently included being snubbed by Cuba. At least Americans can take some solace in the fact that the Olympics are standing on the edge of a calamity so colossal its scale can only be described as Brazilian.

Indeed, give it a few years, and the phrase “getting a Brazillian,” so beloved of Beverly Hills salons will mean something way more painful than having your pubes pulled out.

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