Over the weekend, President Obama announced his plans to rename Mount McKinley, the tallest peak in the United States, to Mount Denali. It was classic Obama, governing by executive order, with little actual meaning or effect on society, irritating America’s heartland as a happy side effect.
And the heartland is indeed bent out of shape on this one. Ohio, the home of President McKinley, is a placid midwest state, but representatives from both parties are up in arms. After all, this is the second time McKinley has been taken out by an anarchist. He was Patient Zero in the Tumblr wars.
Alas, it’s probably too late to stop this petty vandalism. Wikipedia has already made the change, which means millions of lazy brats will copy the new name when plagiarising their school papers, and just like that Mt. McKinley is gone, straight down the memory hole.
Although GOP frontrunner Donald Trump has come out against the change and promised to reverse it when he assumes office, in the spirit of “in for a penny, in for a precipice,” Breitbart would like to suggest some additional adjustments to various world heritage sites that Bambi and his dwindling band of wacky social justice cronies can still ram through for spurious, pandering reasons before he leaves office.
The aurora borealis. The so-called “northern lights” present a beautiful vista: multicoloured lights dancing in the night sky. They are visible from some of the northernmost states in the US. On closer review, however, the aurora borealis is completely useless and the majority of people have no clue where it comes from. Therefore we suggest naming it after the master orator himself: aurora barackealis.
The Grand Canyon. The Colorado river spent millions of years carving the grand canyon, which runs for 277 miles and is up to one mile deep. The awe-inspiring chasm represents such an incredible emptiness, there is only one name that is appropriate. You’ll bond with your family during a donkey ride to the bottom of the completely empty Mrs. Clinton’s Home Server.
The Crazy Horse Memorial. This monument to famous Lakota war leader Crazy Horse has been under construction since 1948 and will be the largest sculpture in the world. Crazy Horse earns mucho credit for fighting against white encroachment in the west, but we need to be realistic. He died in 1877, and no one can use someone dead that long to get elected. Even the native Americans hate it. Therefore, we believe the monument should be named after a more recent and more PC Native American — even if she is a Fauxcahontas from the Wannabe tribe. So book your kid’s school trip early to the newly named Elizabeth Warren Monument.
The Animas River. The Animas is the least well-known item on our list, gaining national prominence in early August when the Environmental Protection Agency accidentally caused 3 million gallons of polluted wastewater from mining activities to be poured into it. The water turned orange with arsenic, lead, and untold other toxic chemicals, making the river unusable for drinking and sport. This is a classic case of the government wrecking everything it touches and reminds us of Obama’s own deft touch with the economy. For that reason we dub this river the Stream of American Dreams and suggest the EPA open a Splash Mountain style log ride along the river to pay for the clean up.
Alcatraz Island. This island is home to America’s most famous prison, which was once considered impossible to escape from. The island’s forbidding prison, guard towers, and rocky terrain ooze testosterone. To make matters worse, the water surrounding the island is infested with sharks, the rape-crazed frat boys of the ocean. All of this is made much worse by being located in San Francisco bay, about one mile away from the most progressive city in America. When you visit San Francisco, be sure to wear flowers in your hair, and DO NOT visit Patriarchy Island.
Mount Rushmore. This famous national memorial in South Dakota bears the faces of four presidents. 60-foot tall heads of George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Teddy Roosevelt, and Abraham Lincoln gaze out upon millions of visitors each year. Put another way, these dead white men continue to enforce their patriarchal colonialism, whitesplaining, mansplaining, and cultural terrorism from the grave. There is no politically correct option besides renaming it: Mount Doom.
La Brea Tar Pits. These naturally-occurring geological oddities in Los Angeles created large sticky pools of oily asphalt. Over many thousands of years, animals became mired in the goo and, unable to escape, sank to an untimely end. The same thing that happened to woolly mammoths 30,000 years ago happens to American businesses dealing with the IRS today. Therefore the La Brea Tar Pits must be renamed the Lois Lerner Red Tape Tar Pits.
Niagara Falls. Straddling the border between the US and Canada, the largest waterfall in North America leaves visitors stunned with its raw power and an average flow rate of 85,000 cubic feet per second. It’s not all roses though, as the waterfall relentlessly erodes the land around it and resists any ideas that aren’t in the mainstream. Most critically, those who step into its path are likely to be victim-blamed following their inevitable injury or death. For these reasons, we seek to rename it Campus Rape Culture Falls.