Here in this week of reflection and gratitude, it is high time you smug and intolerant Americans take a long look at yourselves.
Why, dirty Americans, do you hate people from exotic, war-torn places? Why do you despise other cultures? Why do you so hate freedom of religion?
Or, as President Obama wonders, why are you all so Islamophobic?
And don’t you dare say it’s because Islamofascists just killed 130 innocents enjoying life in Paris last week!
And don’t you dare say it is because Islamofascists flew airliners packed with innocents into the Pentagon and twin towers on Sept. 11, 2001!
First of all, it is just a coincidence that all these terrorists were Muslim and openly seeking to advance their twisted religious views on all the world. And, anyway, 9/11 is ancient history now.
The threat has been “contained.”
No, these attackers are all just angry about being left out of prosperity and have such a hard time finding girlfriends. Nothing to do with religion.
And so, at times like these, when Americans get a little twitchy about letting 10,000 Syrians into the country without thorough background checks, it is you, you stupid, racist Americans who shall be lectured.
“There have been times in our history in moments of fear when we have failed to uphold our highest ideals, and it has been to our lasting regret,” Mr. Obama bleated Tuesday at the White House. “We must uphold our ideals now. Each of us, all of us, must show that America is strengthened by people of every faith and every background.”
So let us welcome these Muslim missionaries to our country, and let’s not bother with checking them out just to make sure we aren’t letting in any bad apples who, you know, tend to kill you if you don’t convert to Islam.
Or, in most cases, don’t even give you the opportunity. They just slice your throat down to the neck bone. Put you in a cage and light you on fire. Or fly you into a building.
Yes, it is America that needs the lecture right now. Because there have been times in “our history in moments of fear” when we have failed to uphold our highest ideals.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Seriously, Mr. Obama, whose side are you on?
Yes, you are America’s first son-of-a-Muslim president. But that doesn’t mean you have to automatically be on their side.
You are a free Christian living in the greatest country on the planet that invented religious freedom. This country you insist upon always denigrating at times like this has done more to advance religious liberty than any other force in history.
And you choose to lecture us at a moment when the greatest threat to religious freedom in a half-century has reared its head and threatens civilized people around the world? At a time when we are the most powerful force on the globe to stand up to it?
To be clear, this is not because you are some closet Muslim trying to carry out some complicated caliphate against this great country, despite having elected you twice.
Anyway, if your understanding of religion is anything as profound as your understanding of the Constitution or governing in a democratic republic, then you are a coffeehouse generalist at best. This caliphate business is 10,000 times more complicated than our Constitution of which you claim to be such a scholar.
No, this is all about lazy thinking and a bizarre obsession with always appearing blithely unruffled. No Drama Obama.
Unfortunately, our enemies have no such hang-ups. They are single-minded zealots who have no qualms about doing whatever it takes to kill us.
Have a happy and halal Thanksgiving!
Charles Hurt can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org and on Twitter via @charleshurt.