Here is a quick reference guide to the political types voting in the general election tomorrow.
You are: a millionaire thespian/stand-up comic/generic luvvie; a social worker; an NHS administrator; a Quangocrat; a civil servant; an Islamist entryist; a school teacher; an activist; Owen Jones
You believe in: the NHS; social justice; hard-working families; Keynesian economics; the tooth fairy; the NHS; that the problem with socialism is that it’s never been tried properly yet; the NHS; equality; even if we taxed the rich at 100 per cent it still wouldn’t be enough; did I mention the NHS?
Favourite books: The Ragged Trousered Philanthropists; JK Rowling’s The Casual Vacancy
Favourite albums: oh, God, something by The Clash, I expect; or maybe D:Ream
You shop at: Tesco
You are: a Welsh social worker; a Welsh NHS administrator; a Welsh quangocrat; a Welsh civil servant; a Welsh Islamist entryist; a Welsh school teacher (who teaches Welsh – so important for helping Welsh children get on in the world, knowing for example that gwasanaethau means motorway service station, which could come in amazingly handy if say they’re out of petrol on an Autobahn and they chance upon a Welsh speaking German); a Bard; a member of a male voice choir; something to do with Doctor bloody Who which every other employed person in Wales is these days.
You believe in: “welshing” should be banned because it’s pejorative; the red dragon; the unalienable right of every Welshman, Welshwoman or Welshchild to enjoy – and take pride in – the worst healthcare anywhere in the British Isles or quite possibly the world; wind turbines; pylons.
Favourite books: The Mabinogion; Ivor the Engine; the collected works of Dylan Thomas; Red Dragon by Thomas Harris (Hannibal Lecter was Welsh, look you: played by our Anthony)
Favourite albums: the Best of Shirley Bassey; An Evening With Max Boyce; Treorchy Choir Vol. 3; Barafundle by Gorky’s Zygotic Mynci.
You shop at: Co Op.
You are: a hedge funder; something in the City; the head of a multi-national corporation; a lawyer; a head-hunter; an offshore wind investor; your job is to find imaginative ways to spend Britain’s eye-wateringly insane foreign aid budget; a Daily Mail reader; just scared, no terrified, of what will happen if Ed Miliband forms a coalition with the SNP and Nick Clegg.
You believe in: better the devil you know; that believing in stuff is all very well but we’re past all that nonsense, don’t you think, these days?
Favourite books: oh, you know, whatever is currently on the bestseller lists
Favourite film: Titanic
Favourite albums: something by the Beatles or the Stones, probably, it has to be really doesn’t it?
You shop at: Waitrose; Sainsbury’s
You are: Scottish; angry; Scottish; a Scottish Islamist entryist
You believe/ believe in: the Saltire; caltrops; persistent spiders; woad; appalling beer; that the problem with fascism – sorry slip of the tongue there, meant communism – is that it has never properly been tried; that by destroying the landscape with wind farms you’ll drive last of the English settlers out; free further education and free healthcare all paid for by the English; using the phrase “Westminster government” and “privatised NHS” at every opportunity, as a substitute for coherent argument; keeping sterling after (inevitable) independence and using it much as the Greeks did the Euro; that an economy almost entirely dependent on London-funded welfare and wind farm subsidies will suddenly thrive after independence; the cheque’s in the post; deep fried pizza.
Favourite books: Mein Kampf; Trainspotting;
Favourite albums: Big Country; Texas; Arab Strap; Mogwai; Bay City Rollers; Rod Stewart
Favourite films: Trainspotting; Braveheart; Ring of Bright Water (especially when the honest, exploited Scottish labourer bludgeons the wee Sassenach otter)
You shop at: the nearest food bank
You are: a teacher; a jellyfish; something in diversity/equality/[“dis”]-ability; professor of gender studies; a therapist; in therapy; in a mental institution; an Islamist entryist.
You believe: depends where you’re campaigning – if it’s a traditional Tory constituency, then obviously, roast beef, warm beer, lengthening shadows on the village green; if it’s a traditional Labour constituency, then the red flag, collective farms, bullets in the back of the neck for class traitors; and if it’s neither of the above, then sorting out that really nasty pothole on Fore Street, free milk and bananas for the primary school and more, subsidised equality and diversity and baking workshops at the village hall.
Favourite books: The Very Hungry Caterpillar; Arundhati Roy’s The God Of Small Things.
Favourite albums: Whatever the latest in the NOW series is – got to move with the times.
Favourite films: Love Actually; The Girl In The Cafe; The Boat That Rocked
You are: an activist; a yoga teacher; an aromatherapist; you run an organic cafe/wholefood store/bicycle repair shop; a poi instructor; a festival caterer; you work for Greenpeace/Friends of the Earth; something in the “sustainability” industry; currently working at McDonalds waiting to find a more suitable use for your much in-demand Environmental Sciences degree from the University of East Anglia; Dale Vince
You believe: The Earth has a cancer and the cancer is man; Paul Ehrlich’s predictions weren’t wrong, just his timescales; at this rate, all species will be dead by yesterday at the latest; meat is murder; climate change is the worst thing ever and people who deny it should be strung up with piano wire; Wir mussen die Juden aussrotten; bicycles are so lovely, aren’t they? And yurts, and coracles…
Favourite books: anything by Monbiot, he’s just the business.
Favourite albums: Whale Song IV; Dolphin Moods; Chumbawumba; The Levellers; Goa Krusty Trance Classix XVII
Favourite films: An Inconvenient Truth (duh!)
You shop: nowhere if, you can possibly help it. Far better to grow your own or barter. Otherwise Whole Foods.
You are: pretty frustrated, right now
You believe in: Morris dancing; cream teas; sunlit uplands with no wind turbines on them; Agincourt; social stigma; grammar schools; Winston Churchill; Shakespeare; Morris Minors; warm beer and a cheeky fag; mowing the lawn; manners; pubs with horse brasses and shove ha’penny; Albion
Favourite films: Zulu; The Italian Job; A Matter of Life And Death; A Canterbury Tale; Where Eagles Dare
Favourite albums: Vaughan Williams’s English Folk Song Suite played by Neville Marriner and the Academy of St Martin in the Fields; Elgar’s Cello Concerto; Jethro Tull’s Songs From The Wood; Traffic’s John Barleycorn Must Die; Led Zep IV
Favourite books: Wind In The Willows (starring the Dear Leader as Mister Toad); The Rats by James Herbert.
You shop: at Aldi and Waitrose.