The 10 Most Problematic Places To Find Pokémon

Earlier in the week, Breitbart Tech reported on the Holocaust Museum’s outrage at being designated a Pokéstop in Pokémon Go, meaning players can get free items in addition to capturing Pokémon at the location.

One player even reported finding Koffing – a poison-gas Pokémon – inside the memorial to victims of the Holocaust! It got me thinking: where would be the most inappropriate real-world for other Pokémon to appear? I decided to draw up a list.

#1 Metapod at an erectile dysfunction clinic

Meet Metapod, a Pokémon infamous for its move Harden, surely named after what Pokémon masters worldwide do upon obtaining it. But just think how grossly inappropriate it would be for players to find a Metapod at the Boston Medical Center’s Erectile Dysfunction Clinic.

#2 Togepi at Planned Parenthood

Togepi, seconds out of its shell, is the game’s cute little Baby Pokémon.

Naturally, we would love to interview any liberal lady who finds one of these sitting in the very place at which she plans on mercilessly eradicating a fetus. How very problematic!

#3 Snorlax at a feminist collective

Pictured above is the home of the Furies Collective, a group of lesbian feminists who, during their two-year existence in the 1970s, stated that “sexism is the root of all other oppressions, and Lesbian and woman oppression will not end by smashing capitalism, racism, and imperialism” and that “Lesbianism is not a matter of sexual preference, but rather one of political choice which every woman must make if she is to become woman-identified and thereby end male supremacy.”

The house was the first lesbian landmark to be selected as part of the D.C. Inventory of Historic Sites and we at Breitbart Tech would be extremely distressed to find the Pokémon above lounging around its premises. That’s because comparing Snorlax, the fattest and laziest Pokémon, who does nothing but eat and sleep and whose skills, at least in the card game, include “Big Appetite,” “Collapse,” and “Layabout” to lesbian feminists would be a despicable slur directed at the most zealous combattants of the Universal Patriarchy.

#4 Ludicolo at Trump Tower

And here’s the lovely Ludicolo.

Sporting a sombrero and possessing a fervid zest for festive music, Ludicolo is the game’s token Mexican Pokémon. Pokémon in Pokémon Go typically remain stationary. Wouldn’t it be a sick, twisted joke if, instead, Ludicolo moved in a southerly trajectory with a frown on its face, as if pushed by a mystic force, only to stop suddenly upon crossing the border from US to Mexico? Out! Out! Out! Breitbart Tech has reached out to Nintendo for comment on whether this Pokémon possesses a green card.

#5 Diglett at the scene of a deadly earthquake

Diglett is a Pokémon which burrows into the ground, only to pop up in civilian habitats, often causing structural damage. It would be most problematic if, as a token of respect for its Asian customers, Pokémon Go were to plant numerous Digletts around Sumatra, Indonesia, the site of the 2004 earthquake claiming the lives of some 250,000 civilians.

#6 Venomoth at a Zika clinic

Shown here is Venomoth, a Poison Moth Pokémon. One can only hope that, in an effort to teach players not to mess with Mother Nature, Pokémon Go wouldn’t dare unleash Venomoths upon Zika clinics across the country. It would be even worse if Venomoths were the only Pokémon that could be caught at these clinics. And yet, Zika patients would be kind enough to spare at least some of their time lounging about eating snacks to help rid the Pokémon world of deadly disease and surely there would be nothing more pleasant than logging onto a game to briefly escape your dire real-life situation to find the friendly Poison Moth Pokémons buzzing all about.

#7 Charizard at a burn unit

Likewise, wouldn’t it be just absolutely abhorrent if Pokémon Go took the phrase “hold his feet to the fire” literally with patients at the Adult Burn Unit in John Hopkins? The patients would constantly be reminded of their own negligence by being forced to catch fire-breathing Charizards during their stay.

#8 Cubone at an orphanage

Here readers can see Cubone. Pokémon Go describes Cubone as a Lonely Pokémon, which “pines for the mother it will never see again. Seeing a likeness of its mother in the full moon, it cries. The stains on the skull the Pokémon wears are made by the tears it sheds.” It would be simply despicable if Cubone could be found at your local orphanage and if the challenge, instead of capturing it, was actually to prevent the grimy, friendless, homeless thing from getting into your Pokéball.

#9 Pikachu at Death Row

And Ho-oh forbid Pokémon Go casts its gaze on the criminal population! It would be downright dreadful if, in the states of Alabama, Florida, Kentucky, South Carolina, Tennessee, and Virginia, players could capture Pokémon’s mascot, the Electric type Pikachu, by visiting prisons within seconds of every electric-chair style execution.

#10 Ekans at the White House

Here’s Ekans, a Snake Pokémon. Breitbart Tech suspects that it will be found in the vicinity of the White House after November 8, 2016, but only if Hillary wins.

Actually, now that I think about it, that would be totally appropriate.

Rob Shimshock is a Campus Reform correspondent and Breitbart contributor. Follow him on Twitter (@ShimshockAndAwe) for mischief, satire, sarcasm, and truth.