Dead, Divorced, Married, Pregnant, Or In Jail

I saw “Gran Torino” finally and it put me in a mood. I see where Paris Hilton says she’s only slept with “a couple of people;” but I’m guessing it’s because the rest of them told her to leave right after.

My only 2009 resolution is to lose weight, so I ordered the paperback version of “The Best Life Diet,” which is by Oprah Winfrey’s trainer Bob Greene. The bad news is the shipping weight was somewhere between 140 and 320 pounds.

Cloris Leachman says she’ll be in a racy sex scene with Jack Black on “The Office” this season. It’s supposed to be very intimate with a lot of kissing, and I’m thinking, how sweet – don’t you just love those Paleontologic/ May romances?

Speaking of sexy women, I love Jennifer Aniston. Man – O – Manischewitz, that is one hot babe. If we ever worked together, I bet she would dig me, because I love dogs too. Jennifer Aniston says she’ll always value her canines more than the men in her life, because a dog’s love is “unconditional.”

Then how come you and Vince Vaughn broke up?

And to prove to my friends I’m open minded, I read a foreign publication every now and again and I caught a report in Pravda that says the earth is entering another Ice Age. Oh, I see. They take a tiny bit of data, do a little extrapolating and want us to believe there’s man-made global cooling?

… Hey Ruskies – what do you think, we’re stupid?