I Pledge

Rush transcript of the celebrity Pledge of Obama Allegiance video (for educational purposes only)

[Fade in; cue pseudo-soulful electric piano dirge]

Courtney Cox and her husband, what’s-his-name: I pledge.

Demi Moore: I pledge.

Cameron Diaz: Me pledge too!!

Courtney Cox: To end hunger in America.

Mr. Courtney Cox: By ordering smaller endive portions from craft services.

Some guy with baseball cap that I guess I’m supposed to know: I pledge.

Stringy-haired Manson girl with creepy gray eyes: I pledge.

Demi Moore: Too-ooo-oo smile more.

Eva Longoria: To laugh more!

Can’t quite place her, but think I maybe saw her on a cosmetics commercial once: [intense glare] to LOVE more.

Black Eyed Peas guy: I pledge.

Evita Lopez or Chiquita Gonzalez or something like that: To help children battle with serious illnesses — by standing here on the far right side of the frame.

Beats the hell outta me: Or here, on the left side of the frame.

Cameron Diaz: Me plemdge.

Nicole Richie: To give up food all together.

Possibly that red-haired chick from Spiderman: To be a great mother.

Some d-bag from that emo band, “Fallout Charlotte” or something, that my daughter was into when she was 11: To be a great father.

Demi Moore: To hire only the best nannies… because all of our children deserve a good nanny.

Lucy Liu: To continue working to support raising awareness as a voice for UNICEF and their international nanny awareness programs.

That witch show chick that used to be on the Tony Danza sitcom: To volunteer my voice coach to give a voice to those who have no voice, so they can have a voice.

Vaguely familiar black chick: I pledge.

Hey wait a minute… is this the one who was the Spiderman chick? Now I’m confused: I pledge.

Michael Strahan: To consider myself an American — not a gap-toothed-American.

Ashton Kutcher: To ALWAYS represent my country with total pride and dignity and shit, broheim!!

Come on, I’m really supposed to know this guy? Really?: to go to RaisingServiceAwarenessForTheVoicelessChildren.com.

Okay, I’m going to take a wild stab and say it’s that chubby Korean guy from Mad TV: To find a service project that I’m just as passionate about as the mousse product for my faux-hawk.

Totally-wasted-on-heroin guy from the Red Hot Chili Peppers: I… uhhh…. ihhh… ahhhh… monkey funky like da junky…

Jason Bateman: I plehhhhdge… to fondle this microphone in a whimsically provocative manner.

Mr. Haney from Green Acres: To never give anyone the finger when I’m driving again. I will instead moon them, with my frightening elderly haunches.

‘Greg and Darma’ chick with scary feral baby: To save water, by never bathing my child.

Underwear model: I pledge.

I think it’s that Spunky Winkerbean chick, the one who had a boob reduction: I pledge.

Brain-fried Chili Peppers guy: To caaaare? For? America’s elderly?

Pockmarked guy in Urban Outfitters T-shirt: To make sure America’s senior citizens have access to free healthcare and iPods and ringtone downloads.

Spunky Winkerbean: So that our next generation’s USB memories will not be forgotten.

Eva Longoria: Now I’m pledging here on the other side of the frame!

Absolutely no clue who this is, whatsoever: To bring awareness to mental disease, like I am doing right now.

Weirdly bloated lips chick: To advance research into stem cells, collagen, and Botox.

Huh? Maybe I’m just getting too old but this is another guy who simply isn’t ringing a bell: To spread the awareness of autism — by becoming autistic.

Natalie Portman, I think, possibly after a weekend oxycontin bender: I pledge…

Michael Strahan: … to give more love to strangers. Lots and lots of strangers.

Maniac English guy in leather coat: To MEET my NEIGHBORS. Whether they LIKE it or NOT.

Mad TV Korean guy again: Find out their names.

Cameron Diaz: Me make smile for thems.

I’m gonna say… she was in one of those ‘High School Musicals’ or something?: I’m going to ask how I can be of service to them, by ridding their home of subversive materials.

That creepy-eyed redhead from Desperate Housewives: I pledge.

Oh fer crissakes, you’re telling me this guy is famous? Seriously?: I pledge.

Whoever came up with this ad sure had a hard-on for redheads: To be a better mentor to my younger sisters.

I think this guy was in an episode of one of those crime autopsy shows: to be a mentor for Big Brothers.

Another redhead? Okay, I’m pretty sure we have a psychopath director on our hands: I pledge.

Mrs. Tom Hanks: To reduce my use of plastic, and raise the awareness of mentors of the voiceless.

That vaguely familiar Hispanic chick from earlier: By starting with the lowering of plastic awareness.

Eva Longoria: To tell my gardening staff to plant 500 trees this year while Tony and I are at our house in Majorca.

Man, that Rene Zellweger has really let herself go: To not use plastic bags at the food store.

Kinda half-Asian looking guy, maybe from one of those doctor shows my mom watches: To consume less. Except movies and TV, obviously.

Cameron Diaz: So we am on this planet. Like, forever. Totally.

Jason Bateman, apparently after a snorting few lines in the trailer: For the environment I pledge to flush only after a ‘deuce,’ and only then after mentoring and raising awareness of my ‘deuce.’

Courtney Cox: I pledge.

Mr. Courtney Cox: You pledge! We pledge! Haha! Let’s giggle whimsically!

Po Diddley or Poof Puppy or whatever: I pledge to turn off the damn lights in both my Gulfstreams. I’ma turn the lights off the off, so you turna lights off, bitch.

Okay, now I’m officially creeped out, a turkey-neck grandma redhead: I pledge.

Another emo music d-bag in a jaunty thrift shop straw chapeau: I pledge to sell my obnoxious car and buy a hybrid. I also pledge to make sure the person who buys my old obnoxious car promises to never ever drive it.

George Lopez: To drive slower, lower, and only hit the hydraulic switches when absolutely necessary.

Rough-looking Rene Zellweger again: I pledge to volunteer my time…

Absolutely no idea guy again: …to emphasize the importance raising the awareness of finding mentors to promote voices to speak out for arts education mentoring in our schools.

Bald head black dude: To promote a culture of awareness of mentoring for the education of awareness of reduction of ignorance.

Kinda hot, I’m thinking Penthouse July ’89: I pledge.

Okay, now I think I remember – this is that blonde chick from My Name is Chuck, except she seems pissed off about something: to help children understand that even though they come from a uterus, it doesn’t mean they can’t move on to bigger things. Like working to mentor awareness of the voices.

The raspy voice Hindu terrorist lady from 24: I plidge.

Stumped again. But she’s obviously had some work done: To work to make good the 200 year old promise to end slavery.

Ashton Kutcher: to ban slaveholders from ALL of my pool parties. Forever.

Demi Moore: To free one million people from slavery over the next five years, no matter how many strongly worded letters it will take my personal assistant to write.

High School Musical chick again: to fight?

Oh come on, this is a practical joke, right? It’s an episode of Punk’d, and Kutcher picked a bunch of random hipster people out of a Santa Monica coffee house to play a part in some sort of elaborate prank to see how many people he could fool into thinking they were actually celebrities: To become aware.

Cameron Diaz: To ebgucate.

Another prank “celebrity” (haha, nice try Kutcher): to not give up.

Baseball hat guy: to defend…

Needs to seriously work on her hair part: …the issues I care about.

Red Hot Chili Peppers guy, after shotgunning a couple more bowls of crack since his last pledge: Ihhh pllplegdge to beema sermice to Obrack Bobomba [French kisses own armpits].

First redhead: I pledge.

Black Eyed Peas guy: To change the way I live. No, wait a minute. Not me, you.

The Batman guy who was a good guy but became half-melted-face villain at the end to set up another sequel: To be a better person, no matter how impossibly ambitious that goal might be.

Creepy-eyed Squeaky Fromm lookalike again: To never stop learning and growing, even if I become a 60 foot tall brain scientist. Every day.

Nicole Richie: Every day. Except the growing big part.

Sheryl Crowe’s stunt double: I pledge to commit to my own change before I ask others to change. Unless these self-changings I am pledging to commit include making other people change first. In that case I will obviously have to make these other people change also, as part of a package-type change deal.

Gesticulating baseball hat guy: To be the change.

Demi Moore: To be the change.

Marisa Tomei: To integrate into my heart what I already know in my head — Which is that, we are all inside my cardiovascular nervous system together.

Piff Pappy: Imagine what could happen next. Imagine or DIE.

Batman melted face guy: What’s your pledge?

Collagen lips: What’s your pledge?

Ashton Kutcher: Iknowyagottapledge, Iknowyagottapledge, Iknowyagottapledge, Iknowyagottapledge, Iknowyagottapledge, Iknowyagottapledge, Iknowyagottapledge, Iknowyagotta…

I bet this guy himself doesn’t knows who he is: Gotta pledge?

Another redhead who is likely filing a restraining order against the director as we speak: What’s your pledge?

Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher: I PLEDGE…

Demi Moore: …to be a servant to our president…

Ashton Kutcher: …and provide him with whatever portion of my precious bodily fluids he may need to save all mankind…

[Pan back to an infinite Brady Bunch / Hollywood Squares splitscreen]

All celebrities chant together:

TOGETHER WE CAN

TOGETHER WE CAN OBEY

DIVIDED WE ARE INSIGNIFICANT

BUT TOGETHER WE CAN BE A MOLECULE

ON OUR PRESIDENT’S CHEEKBONE

FADING AND MELTING AND SHRINKING

INTO THE ONE UNIVERSAL GLORY OF HIM

OBEY

OBEY

OBEY

[Fadeout; cue FBI piracy warning]