42nd Street: Too Big to Fail?

– Summer, 1987: In a stunning and unprecedented move, President Walter Mondale has stepped in and saved the Broadway musical “42nd Street” from eviction at the Majestic Theatre. The theatre’s owners had earlier announced that they were using a standard clause in the production’s booking agreement and had given an eviction notice to the show due to low ticket sales. Subsequently, the theatre owners have also announced that in January of next year, the Majestic will be the new home to British import “The Phantom of the Opera.”

But, in an effort to “save American jobs” and keep an American musical from having to make way for an imported show, President Mondale has deemed “42nd Street” “too big to fail”: “This show has been running since 1980 and has been providing jobs for hundreds of working families in New York. My administration is determined to keep this production running and to keep these long-suffering, union workers on the job,” the President said.

“Critics will say that the federal government has no business taking over a Broadway musical, and believe me, I don’t want to be a Broadway producer, but the collapse of this show would have been devastating for countless Americans and brought enormous damage to our economy beyond the theatre industry,” the President said in a news conference where he also announced the removal of David Merrick from his role as Producer of the show as well as a restructuring of the investors’ payouts putting top union officials in new decision making positions on the production.

Representatives of the Majestic Theatre ownership said in a statement:

Let’s not forget that “42nd Street” first opened at our Winter Garden Theatre location and in 1982 we paid to move it to the Majestic to make way for the successful production of “Cats” that is now playing to record houses at the Winter Garden. At the time, we were criticized for giving preferential treatment to the British musical, but as we have seen, that production of “Cats” as well as the five national touring companies are employing many many more stagehands, musicians, actors, and show personnel than “42nd Street” ever did, not to mention the jobs at the neighboring hotels, bars, and restaurants created due to the huge hit running in the neighborhood.

In a pointed rebuttal, the President’s spokesman said:

The greedy theatre owners can rationalize their un-patriotic business practices all they want, but this administration stands for American shows. We are not in the business of lining British producers’ pockets at the expense of American workers. We stand by our constituents.. er, I mean, the stagehands and the actors who have sacrificed so much to keep this production running as long as it has.

President Mondale has also announced the formation of a new, cabinet level department, the 27th of his and his predecessor’s administrations. “There is no doubt that ’42nd Street’ and other American productions have suffered from poor management decisions over the years. So we have created the United States Theatrical Union Personnel Improvement Department (USTUPID) which will address those issues,” the President said.

In a surprise move, Arkansas Governor William Clinton has been named Secretary of USTUPID. Long seen as a rising star in the Democratic Party, Governor Clinton has unveiled an aggressive approach to stimulating ticket sales for “42nd Street”: “Let me be clear: the American people are choosing these foreign productions because we have been stuck in the past with these Broadway shows. I mean, look at ‘A Chorus Line’: heck, those costumes are straight out of 1976, those girls should be wearing ‘Solid Gold’ style leotards, nice and high-cut with maybe a little thong in the back, you know what I mean?”

While touring the new Jimmy Carter Monument For Peace & Understanding in the Palestinian Capital of Jerusalem, President Mondale remarked that the new government take-over of “42nd Street” was really about protecting American jobs.

This new production of “Phantom” uses computer-controlled scenery and lighting that will put American stagehands out of work. What do you say to the man who has been pulling a rope for the past twenty years? How do you tell him that a computer is going to pull that rope for him now? I know some say that new jobs will be created by having stagehands program and operate the computer and I know that some are speculating that by being able to move so much scenery these productions will be bigger and more lavish and more popular, thus ensuring longer runs in the future, but I do not stand with these risky speculators. I say that we continue to invest in our American jobs as they are.

“42nd Street” can once more be a symbol of American success if we institute some minor management changes. Some of the changes include a doubling of the lights currently designed for the show. This move will not only add more jobs thus ensuring a higher demand for comp tickets, but it will also increase the heat generated in the theatre, which, we hope, will help reverse the coming ice age that has been predicted by our top scientists. We also intend to purchase hundreds of tickets each night and re-distribute them to public school students, the elderly, UAW workers, trial lawyers, and other deserving constituents.. er… Americans.

My un-named source inside the industry has revealed that the costs of the changes to the production as well as the re-distribution of free tickets will change the financial picture for the production drastically: “If USTUPID does what it has announced, the show will have to run at 275% capacity each week to break-even. It is currently selling about 46% of its seats. If it were to have an unprecedented reversal of fortune and sell-out, the show will still lose $350,000 per week.

When asked how USTUPID can account for the projected losses and how the show will ever be able to make money while running at a loss each week, Governor Clinton bit his lip and said, “Volume.”

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EPILOGUE: In 1987, “42nd Street” was indeed evicted from the Majestic to make way for “Phantom.” It moved across 44th Street to the St. James Theatre and ran for another two years. At the time, NY Times theatre critic Frank Rich ominously referred to the travails of “42nd Street” due to the productions of “Cats” and “Phantom” as a sign of the “shift of power” on Broadway. “Phantom” opened in 1988 and is still running as of this posting. It has run longer, employed more people, sold more tickets, and stimulated more economic activity on Broadway and across the country than any other show in the history of the American Theatre. All without any public stimuli. And, by the way, the theatrical unions’ pension funds have been bolstered by contributions from the producers and theatre owners throughout the entire run.

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