Nolte: CNN’s Brian Stelter Does Deep-Dive Data Analysis on Trump’s Twitter Typos

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CNN
John Nolte

CNN’s Brian Stelter used up three-and-a-half minutes of his basement-rated Sunday show to blow the lid off of President Trump’s Twitter typos.

Well, two things we can all spell is “3.6 percent unemployment” and “a 40 percent decline in viewers.”

Prepare to be galvanized…

If you look closely, and you have to look closely because the CNN logo is strategically placed to obscure it, but CNN chief Jeff Zucker’s diminutive hand can be seen reaching up into Brian Stelter’s jumbo-sized backside to control the meat puppet that is Brian Stelter.

Uninformed sources tell me it went down something like this…

ZUCKER: You’re going to do two minutes mocking Trump’s Twitter typos.

STELTER: FFFhhhrrrrt SSWhhhhrrrppp cvnvbgvfjuooaieur…

ZUCKER: You’re supposed to eat those donuts one at a time.

STELTER: Come on, typos? They still make fun of us over the two-ice-cream-scoops thing.

ZUCKER: Now it’s three minutes.

STELTER: Come on, Daddy. Don’t make me.

ZUCKER: Now it’s three-and-a-half minutes. Wanna go for the full hour?

STELTER: Fine. I’ll do it. Fine. You know, I know you hate this guy, but this is embarrassing.

ZUCKER: *walks around the room raving like a Bond villain* No, no… This is it! This is the silver bullet that will finally take Drumpf down!. We’ll expose his idiocy before the world–

STELTER: The world? Including mom, 26 people watch my show…

ZUCKER: — and the world will throw back its head and laugh and laugh and laugh and finally see what I see —  or at least what I can see when I wear my lifts —  and at long last we will have him! Have him, I tell you! Have him!

STELTER: Granted, I’m not the brightest butter in the ball, but don’t you think we’re just playing into his hands? Falling into his trap? On top of us coming off as petty… again, the typos are not only humanizing, they confirm his brand as an everyday guy speaking directly to the people without a committee, without a filter.

ZUCKER: I want big, flashy graphics. We’ll have Tapper follow up tomorrow. It will lead The Lead! Tell Tapper I want his best resting-bitch-face!

STELTER: I can’t do that. Jake pretends I’m invisible. I mean, he literally pretends I’m invisible. He says things like “Where’s that voice coming from?” and leaves the room.

ZUCKER: Get the lube…

STELTER: Please not that.

ZUCKER: I’ll get my glove…

STELTER: I can do it good on my own, Daddy. I swear.

ZUCKER: And we get to point out again just how perfect my precious, little Barry is! God, I miss Barry. Don’t you miss Barry?

STELTER: FFFhhhrrrrt SSWhhhhrrrppp cvnvbgvfjuooaieur…

Listen, I make my living as a writer, and compared to my Twitter account’s spelling and grammar mistakes, Trump looks like Emily Dickinson. And I’m not running the free world, fighting the latest impeachment scam, dealing with a treasonous Deep State, and beating back a gang of crybaby Never Trumpers, shrieking Democrats, and countless billion-dollar media corporations targeting me for annihilation. All I do is write a few pieces a day and then go watch TV.

Get this…

According to CNNLOL’s in-depth reporting, Trump makes a misspelling error on Twitter once every five days.

How is that not pretty amazing?

Over the 3.5 years he’s been in office, over more than a thousand days, he’s only made 188 misspellings.

How is that not impressive?

Stelter gushes over the fact Barry Obama made zero mistakes (you know, not counting Benghazi, Obamacare, Fast and Furious, spying on the media, Solyndra, the trillion dollar stimulus heist, the IRS scandal, Hillary’s secret email account, NSA spying, Bowe Bergdahl, his Veterans Administration killing off a bunch of veterans, spying on the Trump campaign instead of terrorists, and allowing his vice president’s son to loot at least three countries that we know of). But everyone knows Obama doesn’t write his own tweets, at least not before they’re focus-grouped, written, re-written, and proofread by a committee of at least six.

My favorite part, though, is when Stelter darkens the room and puts a flashlight under his chin(s) to scare us with this ominous hot take: “Of course, if you can’t get the small stuff right, people worry about the big stuff.”

You mean, the “big stuff” like record low unemployment, ISIS wiped out, al-Baghdadi on a slab, millions and millions of new jobs, the wall being built, endless wars ending, a two-hundred-year-old border dispute between Syria and Turkey solved, loading the judiciary with grown-ups, low energy prices, the VA problem fixed, no stupid wars, middle class incomes on the rise, and Mexico finally helping to secure our border…? Is that what you mean, Zucker Puppet, big stuff like that?

Gee, I can’t imagine why no one watches CNN anymore. 

Follow John Nolte on Twitter @NolteNC. Follow his Facebook Page here.

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