Dear MILO — I’m not one to write fan letters, but I realized I wouldn’t get my (completely unnecessary) beauty sleep unless I took some time to say: thank you.
I know you are deluged with fan mail from the college students, military personnel and even grandmothers whose lives you’ve touched, but I hope you take a few minutes to read this letter. After all, it isn’t very often you receive correspondence from someone as fabulous and talented as you.
I’m going to get right to the heart of the matter by skipping the requisite part of fan mail that claims you go “too far” in one area or another. I won’t skip the other requisite part — mentioning that your hair and brain are both amazing!
In short, thank you for helping Donald Trump to be elected President of the United States. As a fellow foreigner, I know you will recognize that America is often a bit nuts, but seems to regain sanity at key turning points throughout history.
We are at just such a turning point, but the good guys winning was, for much of 2016, far from guaranteed. America was on the brink of electing Sick Hillary and devolving completely into a kleptocracy. Without any doubt, you have helped America, a country you love as deeply as your native England, to make the right decision.
I will admit, as your biggest fan, that watching the bad guys get upset at you has been just as entertaining as your writing and speaking. The fake news media has gone into overdrive printing lies about you. The campus crybabies have moved past protesting you; they now are threatening to stab you. And the bitcoin brownshirt wing of the alt-right continues to hate your guts.
Without question, your voice is the one that reached millennials on campus, in military service, and, yes, even those currently living in their mom’s basement thanks to the Obama economy.
While other leading lights of conservatism were busy arguing policy points or foolishly throwing their weight behind the #NeverTrump movement, you reached young people with a message of free speech, free expression and spread Donald Trump’s message of unleashing hell on the liberal status quo.
You completely called it when you wrote in June of 2015 that Donald Trump should be the Internet’s candidate for President. He was. He was also America’s choice. You were one of the vanishingly few people in public life never to doubt his victory — or the power of the internet to propel him to the most powerful elected office on the face of the Earth. Meme magic is real.
You’ve waged a vast war for free speech on campuses practically single-handed… and won! You’re like a skinny Rambo, with better hair and diction. Your Dangerous Faggot Tour showed young conservatives that they don’t have to furtively hide in the shadows on campus — leading to them expressing themselves as vociferously as their liberal classmates.
Can anyone imagine conservative students chalking messages about their candidate in any other situation? Congratulations for inspiring and entertaining an entire generation of young mischief-makers and freedom-lovers.
Your tour had other effects on voters besides emboldening young conservatives. Your speeches frequently exposed Americans to the ugly underbelly of identity politics. Without a doubt, tens of thousands of voters who would have otherwise voted for Crooked Hillary chose to vote third party or stay home after seeing videos of the hysterical crybabies who have replaced classical liberals in the Democrat power structure. They have been left pondering how their party became the party of hatred and violence.
Not to mention many thousands of undecided voters who chose Trump based on the protestors and university administrations who bent over backwards apologizing for allowing you to speak on their campus.
Can you blame undecided voters for rejecting four years of the country being run by the most boring nannies and scolds in history? Joyless, soulless schoolmarms may run many American universities, but they won’t run America, in part thanks to you, Milo.
I know you could read this forever, because I could write it forever. But both of us need to get back to work, because electing Donald Trump was just the first step in the coming culture war — a war we will win. Maybe my second book will be one long fan letter to myself. In the meantime, I will wrap this up with a few more important MILO moments.
Your war with Sharia-compliant Twitter in 2016 exposed just how far Silicon Valley had descended into liberal activism. You made a convincing case for gay voters to support Donald Trump by speaking outside the Pulse nightclub following the terrorist attack in Orlando.
Your speech underscored the betrayal of LGBT citizens by Hillary Clinton and the Democrats in their rush to embrace Islam. You twisted the knife in trademark MILO fashion by hosting a Gays for Trump party at the RNC. It was the hottest event of the entire RNC — a convention of which you were the undisputed star.
And this is just the beginning. You have recently hit a million fans on Facebook and achieved a quarter-million dollar book deal with a major publisher for a book that shot to #1 on the Amazon Best Seller list within a day of its announcement, two months from publication. You’re the hottest thing in media, and everyone knows it — even the journalists who continually lie about you to their readers, to no effect.
To sum things up, thank you for being you. America and indeed the entire world is a better, safer place with Daddy in charge and with you keeping the world entertained.
It took someone as handsome, intelligent, fashionable, talented, popular, stunning and brave as you — me — to write this letter, so you know your contributions to culture and western civilization have not gone overlooked.
Here’s to a stunning, successful, winning 2017, packed to the gills with cultural, commercial and journalistic success. You are what young conservatism looks like now — and it’s fabulous.