The underwear police, aka the Department of Homeland Security, raided Birdies Panties in Kansas City earlier this week. The store’s offense? Selling underwear with a K connecting with a C on the rear.
The Kansas City Royals also embrace such a design concept, so the feds, at the behest of Major League Baseball, showed up in the shop.
“They came in and there were two guys,” Peregrine Honig told the Kansas City Star. “I asked one of them what size he needed and he showed me a badge and took me outside. They told me they were from Homeland Security and we were violating copyright laws.”
Next time pirate the Washington Redskins.
The fuzz compelled the storeowner to sign a “never, ever, ever again” statement and confiscated a few dozen of the offending knickers. To do what, we don’t know–perhaps to rot in a wooden box in that huge warehouse where the feds keep the Ark of the Covenant. The “Take the Crown” emblazoned undergarments go by the name of “boy shorts.” But they most certainly don’t belong on a boy. Unless that’s what the agents are into. Don’t judge.
Should Uncle Sam’s boys find the “KC” boy shorts to their liking, they might also go for the form-fitting “Meet Me at Midnight Longline Soft Bra” and the yellow “Knee High Pencil Socks” with the obligatory “No. 2” on the side. That’s right. Birdies Panties peddles not just panties but women’s socks and stockings and bras and bathing suits. Perhaps the mission creep invited the creeps on a mission.
Surely Birdies Panties wouldn’t have regarded their recent visitors as creeps if they had simply paid for the merchandise. As they note on their website, “We treat our customers with respect and are proud to accommodate different body types.” Presumably that applies to 235-pound, 6’4” dudes with guns.
Not everyone expresses tolerance and sensitivity to the agents’ undergarment enthusiasms.
“Last I checked, DHS wasn’t listed as the enforcement arm for the US Patent and Trademark Office (or for the MLB for that matter), but given that the DHS now has a whopping $40 billion dollar budget that they aren’t spending on anything important, perhaps there was a switch they failed to inform the American people of,” Emily Zanotti writes at the American Spectator. “At any rate, I for one feel safer knowing that armed men in riot gear have confiscated all of the offending panties from Ms. Honig’s Birdies Panties Store, thus saving us all from the imminent threat of royal blue underwear.”