Hey Guys, the Caliphate Has Been Declared! It's Time to Go Join It!

Hey Guys, the Caliphate Has Been Declared! It's Time to Go Join It!

Islamists! Hear ye, hear ye! The Caliphate has been declared!

Rejoice amongst yourselves! Celebrate with champagne sparkling water, women loads of other blokes, and a great deal of glee confusion. Come on! It’s time to go! Hey guys, the Caliphate has been declared! You’ve been banging on about this moment for ages now. Book your flights! You can now all finally live in the splendour squalor which you have long-imagined and campaigned for! 

ISIS, those brave warriors for freedom, have said that the ‘Islamic State’ is now in full force. Don’t you understand? 

Wait… what do you mean you don’t want to go?

Come on Anjem, come on Hamza, come on Jamal …Jordan!? It is time to live under the Shariah! I’ll even book your flights for you! 

No? You don’t want to go to an extremely dangerous region, you say? 

Oh you want to remain in the comfort of the West, suckling at the teet of the taxpayer while holding marches in favour of the caliphate on our streets? Hmmm.

What do you mean it might get “hairy” over there? Don’t be silly. Islamists wouldn’t hurt one of their own, would they? Oh, I see what you mean. They did kill that guy who was friendly with a Hamas leader. But that’s in Gaza right? They’re all nuts there!

What? They crucified fellow jihadis for not being extreme enough? Hmm, well… I’m sure you can all work on your extremism on the plane, no? We’ll make sure the airline has a wide variety of ‘On Demand Anwar al Awlaki‘ videos for you.

Oh COME ON guys. Don’t let us all down now. You’ve been flying the bloody flag for this thing for so long now, and once you finally get it, you don’t want it?! Bloody ingrates. Those ISIS guys have been doing all your dirty work and this is how you thank them!

Well fine, stay here then. But let me tell you something. I don’t want to hear a peep out of you about this bloody ‘caliphate’ rubbish anymore. Find a new drum to bang! Like climate change. Or the Bedroom Tax. At least those guys are totally  not hypocrites, right? Er… right?

(h/t Ghaffar Husain for the idea for this piece)