MILO Explains Why Ugly People Hate Him

Breitbart Senior Editor MILO explained why ugly people hate him during his talk at the University of Colorado, Boulder, tonight.

“I’m here tonight to speak about why ugly people hate me — and why they hate you too,” declared MILO to the audience. “This could have been a really short presentation, because the answer is simple. They hate me because I am beautiful and tell the truth. Unlike all of the beautiful people in Hollywood who spout liberal lies, gibberish, and fake news to make them feel like better people.”

“But you know me… the only thing that gets me off more than the idea of being captured by Somali pirates or being passed around Young Thug’s tour bus is the sound of my own voice,” he continued. “So here we go.”

“Ugly people have always been the leaders of the progressive movement. Just look at the early Temperance Women! They tend to be sexless and joyless people, and nothing makes that kind of person happier than telling other people what they are allowed to do,” MILO explained. “They don’t have joy in their own lives, so why should anyone else? Leftists politics are about policing behavior, nannying people, especially students, and having a hotline to drop the dime on any speech you don’t like. That is a clarion call to every person who wants to get back at the better looking.”

MILO continued to urge students to “Just check out the gender studies professors at any university in America and you will see what I mean,” before claiming that “Liberalism, especially third wave feminism, is the new puritanism.”

“Given America’s obesity epidemic, the truth is that hot people are an endangered species. We are a marginalized group constantly punished by society’s unrealistically ugly beauty standards,” he claimed. “Does no magazine editor ever consider the harm they do to attractive girls’ self-esteem by putting Lena Dunham or Amy Schumer on their covers?

After quoting New York Times columnist David Brooks on the subject, who claims that “Popular, good-looking and athletic children are the subjects of relentless abuse,” MILO moved onto the subject of female beauty.

“A research paper from UCLA proves that women with more feminine features tend to be conservative, while women with more manly features end up liberal,” he declared. “Women that aren’t beautiful are shown by this research to be more likely to take up the ugly politics of progressivism, to retreat from men and to become feminists.  Not the equal pay feminists of the 60s, but the ALL SEX IS RAPE AND MEN ARE PIGS feminists of the current year.”

“Speaking of pigs, here is feminist icon Andrea Dworkin,” announced MILO, displaying a picture of Dworkin on the projector. “Looking at Andrea Dworkin makes you want to ask ‘Who just died’ besides my sex drive, and my appetite?”

“This is the prototype for modern feminism. Unattractive women bent on stopping everything they don’t agree with and can’t have, like sexyness and fun,” MILO continued. “Incidentally, the same research doesn’t hold true for men. I guess men have other metrics of value, like their wallet, their speaking ability, and their hair. Some have it all and are even handsome too. I’m speaking of course about myself.”

“Women like Lena [Dunham] and Lindy [West] have no physical beauty, but have built careers on telling fat women they should stay fat so they die early of obesity complications while thinking they are ‘healthy at any size'” he added.” They are monsters, inside and out.”

Concluding his speech, MILO explained that “Not all beautiful people are conservative, and not all ugly people are liberal.”

“We are individuals and both our appearance and our perception of how we fit in the world’s beauty standards is a core part of our politics,” he claimed. “What makes people lean towards conservatism is the idea that we can make ourselves better. We can always improve in almost every area of our life. I exercise hard and follow a strict haircare regimen because even I want to improve, and I’m practically perfect. Just ask me, I’ll tell you!”

“All of you, whether beautiful or ugly, can improve yourselves. Hit the gym, put down that ice cream, maybe even get a nose job or some new tits. I believe in you!” continued MILO. “But liberals take the opposite approach. They find it much easier to pull everyone down and destroy beauty standards, all in the interest of making themselves feel better. Misery loves company, and the Left wants you all to be as miserable as they are. That’s why hot people are being punished — because unattractive, mediocre professional losers are allowing their own therapy sessions to leak out onto magazine covers and into movies.”

“Make the decision in your own life to join the beautiful people. Make yourself great again,” MILO concluded. “Conservatives are better looking and have more fun, as we’ve seen together tonight. And by the way, the studies say we’re happier with our sex lives, too.”

Written from prepared remarks.

Milo wears tan shirt by UNCL, $55. White women’s suit jacket by Calvin Klein, $60. White jeans by Robin, $550. Limited edition Timberlands, $180. Louis Vuitton belt, $350. Silver Versace shades, $340. Chains and pearls, too much to count.

Charlie Nash is a reporter for Breitbart Tech. You can follow him on Twitter @MrNashington or like his page at Facebook.