Live, on Oprah! It's America's Sweethearts, Bill 'n Hill, Together Again!

Chicago (AP) – Appearing on The Oprah Winfrey Show yesterday, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and former president Bill Clinton spoke publicly for the first time about the 2008 primary campaign, her political ambitions, and their personal relationship.

Representatives for the First Couple insisted the joint appearance had absolutely nothing to do with President Obama’s sagging political fortunes and was just a “total coincidence.”

The show began with Bill and Hillary air-kissing and catching up since they were last together at daughter Chelsea’s wedding in July.

Winfrey began the interview by asking Mrs. Clinton to assess her run for the 2008 presidential nomination. “I’m not one to second-guess, “Mrs. Clinton said,” but I wish we had played the race card early in the game.”

Winfrey: “But . . . .”

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No, not me,” said Mrs. Clinton. “Bill. The moment Obama emerged, I should have insisted that our party have a national discussion on who was the more authentic black leader–an inexperienced senator with roots in Indonesia or my husband and mentor, the First Black President.”

Winfrey: “So, you didn’t go for it because you assumed you had the African-American vote locked up?”

Mrs. Clinton: “Of course. Jesse Jackson had agreed to endorse me and become Secretary of Reparations in my Cabinet. You, Oprah, promised your support if I pushed Congress to make Kenya our 51 state.”

Winfrey: “Oh. I forgot about that.”

Hillary: “In addition, we had a powerful ad campaign ready to run in minority communities: ‘Hillary will end welfare as we know it and go back to welfare as we knew it. She’ll extend it, not amend it. Don’t have it your way, have it both ways!” It focus-tested off the charts across all demographics.

“Then Obama came from nowhere, and Mr. ‘First Black President’ here became just another old white guy with a heart condition.”

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Changing the subject, President Clinton cited a previously unknown anecdote about a critical decision in the run-up to primaries in battleground states.

“We cut a great TV spot dealing with Iraq. It showed Hillary ready to assume command on Day One. But she thought it made her look too hawkish and nixed it.”

Winfrey: “And they brought the clip. Let’s watch.”

Aired publicly for the first time, the ad opens with Senator Clinton in full field gear patrolling Fallujah with a joint American-Iraqi unit.

Barking at her Secret Service detail to keep up, Mrs. Clinton is shown sprinting from house to house, her modified M14 with a Leupold LR/T 10 x 40 mm carried lightly on her shoulder.

HIllary-Bosnia

Pausing behind a wall after the patrol takes sniper fire, Mrs. Rodham Clinton speaks to the camera: ”Bush screwed up in Iraq. You trust me with your vote, I’m gonna be hands-on and make it right. [shots] Gotta go. [spits her chaw] Third floor window, left! Jones, Moorehead–cover us! Rest of you, follow me!” [more shots as Clinton and her unit scale the wall, firing their weapons]

[Announcer] Hillary Rodham Clinton: a fighter, not a divider. [end]

“She’s one tough hombre,” President Clinton told Winfrey, revealing that Hillary considered taking a week off from campaigning to hunt bin Laden in Pakistan’s tribal no-go areas.

“I remember her saying, ‘If I find the b***tard, I’ll saw his head off and give it to the Smithsonian.’ Eventually, Hillary decided to keep the macho side of herself hidden from the public,” President Clinton said. “So she went with the softer image, and we know how well that worked out.”

Turning to the personal, Winfrey asked Mrs. Clinton to discuss the pitfalls of politics and marriage. To everyone’s surprise, Hillary addressed nagging questions about her own marriage:

Clinton Monica 2

Did I know Bill to abuse women? Yes. Did I know him to ignore his duties to pursue tawdry affairs? Of course. Was I restrained by the Secret Service from clocking him with a lamp? Many times. I’m sure Americans wanted to slap him upside the head after Lewinsky. His behavior was wrong.

I would have left him had I not realized that I could ride the scandal right into my own presidency, and from that position serve as a champion of the world’s poor and helpless, especially the little ones who . . . .

Interrupting, Winfrey said, “So, you stayed with this lout, uh, the Big He. . . for the children? You knew what he was like from the beginning. Why didn’t you leave him thirty years ago?”

“Well,” Mrs. Clinton responded with a fetching, disarming smile, “I figured he was headed for big things, and I needed him to pull me along. It wasn’t Bill’s fault I didn’t get the nomination; he was always right there for me. I could no more divorce him than announce I won’t challenge Obama for the nomination in 2012.”

Winfrey asked, “Aren’t you concerned your husband’s behavior will embarrass you again?”

“No,” Mrs. Clinton replied. “A lot has changed. The Secret Service and my State Department agents are all over him 24/7 now and report directly to me. He can’t be alone with a woman who isn’t a blood relative without my say-so. Kind of like the Muslim custom for women, but reversed.

“With Bill under my boot and resigned to living the life of a eunuch, I don’t worry about bimbo eruptions. Come to think of it, since I cut off his Viagra, he can’t have bimbo eruptions any more [cackle].”

The interview ended with Clinton asking Winfrey for her support in 2012: “Oprah, you and I, we’re sisters. So give it some thought. Anywhere in particular you’ve always wanted to be ambassador?”

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