Dear Straight People: I’m Officially Giving You Permission To Say Gay, Faggot and Queer

Because I so rarely bring it up, it may surprise even regular readers to discover that I am a homosexual. You’ll be shocked! But it’s true. I am a poof. A Mary. ‎A screaming queen.

Anyway, because I am a queer, and given my natural instinct for mischief and visceral loathing for political correctness, I am perhaps the only person in public life who can address a horrible linguistic injustice visited upon us all by the finger-wagging progressive Left, to which my attention has been drawn by my colleague, John Nolte.

I speak, of course, of the theft of all the best cuss words in popular culture, and in particular “queer,” “faggot” and “gay,” which have been stolen from common usage by grievance-mongers and robbed of their most obvious and clearly superior meanings.

Gay no longer means happy, as dictionaries are beginning to acknowledge by calling it “old-fashioned” or “archaic.” Just as well: everyone knows the life of a limp-wrister is nasty, brutish and short. (I speak from experience, before professionally-upset liberal readers pick up their green ink.)

So I would like a return to what I feel sure Breitbart readers will agree is the proper meaning of these excellent words–that is to say, “crap,” “bogus,” “uncool,” “undesirable,” “weak,” “unpatriotic,” “Republican-hating,” “immigrant-loving,” “Muslim-pandering,” “misandrist,” “white guilt-obsessed,” “tax-guzzling,” “cowardly,” “girly” and “gross.” (These words are all synonyms, of course, but I list them for clarity and completeness.)

Faggot is my favourite of the three, obviously. I use it when disobeying the diktats of the hand-wringing gay establishment when they scold me for mocking lezzers. “They’re just confused lonely old man-haters,” I’ll say. “You’re an offensive, self-loathing homosexual,” they respond. To which I reply: “I might like dick, but you people are faggots.” Nothing annoys them quite like dramatic rhetorical escalation, because they are used to bullying others into silence with meaningless words like “homophobic.”

“Homophobic” is a meaningless word not only because everyone loves and sucks up to and mollycoddles gays these days but because a phobia is an irrational fear, whereas my local basketball team is entirely right to be wary when they see me emptying a small vial of clear liquid into their half-time orange juice.

I like faggot because my fellow butt pirates have insisted on “reclaiming” the word queer to make it inoffensive–the slimy, preening bastards. I also like faggot because it’s the go-to slur used by image boards, where identity politics is considered quite literally worse than AIDS. Which of course it is: what’s not to love about all that attention and weight loss?

Faggot is too great a word to be reserved only for gays. So go ahead, I implore you. You can tell people you got a pass from your new leather-clad, popper-sniffing best friend.

Now, I do understand that for some people, saying faggot in public is too much of an ask, at least in the early days of our glorious revolution. To those willing but nervous fellow travellers I recommend “gay” as a satisfactory substitute. So, from now on, I’d like you to respond to instances of faggotry, weakness, high treason and Hillary-worship (again, all synonyms) with the phrase: “THAT’S SO GAY!”

It’s my hope in kicking off this campaign that other minorities will shortly follow suit. I will be reaching out to blacks, trannies and cripples (it’s fine, they told me I could say that) to suggest similar public statements of endorsement.

Left-wing loons will no doubt say that I am ushering in a new era of “harassment” and “abuse.” I say screw you, you ugly fat losers. Letting everyone say “queer” and “faggot” ‎is truer to the free-thinking spirit of dissident gay culture than your odious language-policing ever has been. Let’s all stick two fingers up! Up where is up to you.

If there is any residual resentment directed at gays these days, it’s not ordinary fags people don’t like. It’s the schoolmarmish bullies of GLAAD and Stonewall and the gay establishment. Frankly, listening to their dreary pronouncements on “cis privilege” makes me want to put on a wifebeater, rent a pick-up truck and beat the living daylights out of the village twink.

But I won’t, because, you know, that would be gay.