No, JC Penney, Fat People Should Absolutely Hate Themselves

The clothing retailer JC Penney, in an irresponsible swipe at America’s swelling market of obese shoppers, has produced an alarming video urging fat women (or “prospective Ghostbusters,” as I like to call them) to love themselves as they are, instead of looking after their health, eating right and exercising.

You can see the commercial logic, of course. America’s obese population is growing— both numerically and horizontally— and JC Penney sells clothes. Someone has made the brilliant decision to market this once-respected brand to women who wear fumigation tents as prom dresses, and who think of Cool Ranch Doritos as a food group.

In fact, realizing how easy it is to sell to fat women I might announce a line of tea biscuits called “Milo’s Virtuous Snacks” with inspirational quotes on the boxes, such as, “You’re amazing even though you ate the whole pizza,” and, “Don’t worry that your left arm is numb, that’s just your FIERCE shining through.”

They’re $19.95 for a box of 10, but you can’t put a price on a woman’s self esteem or wellbeing. Well, JC Penney has I suppose, but my point is I too can profit from your inevitable painful death via type 2 diabetes, alone in your married sister’s attic. Of course I’m a fair bit cleverer than JC Penney: fattening up these cows will just create inventory for my other business— safari parks.

(I’m lobbying to make it legal to hunt any man over 20% body fat. But only with tranquilizer darts — I’m not a monster.) 

In the long run though, this sort of business strategy doesn’t work. JC Penney is joining the ranks of consumer products companies following a bizarrely quixotic business model— help your customers feel good about themselves until they drop dead from obesity-related illnesses. The problem? When they die, they stop buying your XXXL clothing.

By the way, everybody who’s triggered by this column is eating. Stop typing that angry comment and look down. Are there snacks in reach? I thought so. You may think this is mean, but I’m upset. JC Penney is sending their customers to the great buffet in the sky earlier than intended, merely to turn a profit in the short term and get a few retweets and approving mentions in the idiotic media.

JC Penney has been on the decline for years. Chains like Walmart and Kohls have been, pardon the expression, eating their lunch for much of the last decade. Penney has gone through wave after wave of store closings but have yet to turn around the ship. Their stock is off 30 per cent since March, when optimism ran high.

That they would turn to pandering to obesity is a sign of desperation. What JC Penney has failed to realize, apparently, is that the gravy train is an analogy for a successful business, not an actual vehicle coated in gravy. Although, now that I think of it, that might appeal to this new customer base more than floaty floral frocks.

The left has been at the forefront of campaigns against smoking and alcohol, so it’s weird that they’re now championing the self-destructive ideology known as “fat acceptance.” I like a good meal, a good drink, and a pack of fags as much as the next man— but it would be appalling to make a self-congratulatory ideology out of it.

Healthy at any size is a myth, like the female orgasm. This all comes from feminism of course, which is busily producing women who are suitable for nothing other than being part of a voting bloc, whinging on Twitter, and being the third wheel in a tragic (sorry, “empowering”) threesome with a man who’d never take them as his primary mate.

The facts about obesity can’t be denied. Obese women are more susceptible to diabetes, polycystic ovary syndrome (which is also linked to excessive body and facial hair – gross!), cardiovascular disease, lower back pain, knee osteoarthiritis, lower fertility and a cellulite-ridden fat ass.

Not that the sponging, doped-up lesbians of third-wave feminism care about fertility, non-lethal diseases whose treatments can be charged to the taxpayer or looking like total hogs.

Fatness raises the risk of several major cancers, can interfere with contraceptives, and leads to a higher risk of depression. Obese people are more likely to have a stroke, more likely to have a heart disease and are more likely to die. That is what JC Penney is encouraging.

More crucially, obese people are also more than 4,000 per cent more likely to disgust me than thin people. I don’t have a link for that statistic. The research paper is still in peer review stage.

Of course, feminists claim that most of the women in favor of “body positivity” are just “curvy,” not overweight. That’s unlikely— according to the latest statistics, over 60 per cent of women in the U.S. are overweight. More girls are very fat than boys.

Does anyone really think it’s an accident that the idea of “body positivity” has appeared at the same time? I’m starting to think feminists won’t recognize a woman is dangerously obese until she starts growing tusks — which would at least go some way to addressing the ivory shortage.

Some fat people argue that they’re eating their feelings. Hmm. Nobody has that many feelings. Secondly, if that was the majority of their diet, they could get into an airplane seat without accidentally suffocating the toddler next to them. Feminists will be happy to hear, however, that Burger King now has Cheetos-covered fried mac and cheese, so if you think what I’m saying is bollocks— go get you a fifth chin.

Incidentally, I’m now officially more popular than Cheetos, just so you know.

The body positivity push is part of a strategy to target millennials. Penney is also trying to push appliances toward first-time homebuyers. Here’s a little consulting advice free of charge: obese, septum-pierced graduates of women’s studies programs are not flush with cash, and will not be buying a home any time soon.

Millennials in general will not be buying appliances if Hillary is elected, because appliance purchases involve credit, and credit involves income.

Still, Penney’s is a company that at least sometimes understands the concept of the Heckle Shekel.  They recently came under fire over a dress, but rightly defended it.  This is yet more evidence of just how sinister a business model based on obese unhealthy consumers is: the company knows how to deal with hysterical internet feminists, but this time is specifically pandering. They can sometimes by smart. So why the sudden outbreak of cuckonomics?

Not that I particularly care what happens to them. I once accidentally walked into a JC Penney. I felt dirty for a week until I eventually found a Robin’s Jeans to cleanse myself in.

Perhaps there’s more to all this. Maybe the store’s bosses are secret ruling-class activists. I mean, Penney’s contributes to the gene pool by outfitting a certain class of person in dowdy clothing and cheap jewellery that practically guarantees they will not reproduce. Why the rush to remove obese people from the species too?

JC Penney started as dry goods stores in the Western United States. The sad reality of women’s obesity in the United States is that if the average woman by today’s standards went into a Penney’s in the early 1900’s, they probably would only fit into a few of the clothes for sale.

What’s their next move, replacing changing rooms with “changing bakeries”? New fashion lines that include a paisley nosebag? Angled mirrors in the shoe department for customers who can’t see past their pannus?

The overriding message in JC Penney’s video is that fat people should “love themselves.” In the face of disgust and loathing from society, which has a natural, visceral reaction to unhealthiness, they should see themselves as the gay community once did— as people “oppressed for being who they are.”

I’m sorry, but the opposite is true. Fat people should hate themselves. They should hate themselves so much they’ll do anything to change. It’s the only way they might be inspired to get better.

The video claims fat girls can do anything. Well, if that’s true, maybe they should close the fridge!

“You can do Yoga, you can do rock climbing,” we’re told, Well, do it more than you do now and we won’t have an issue.

“Fat girls can run!” they say. Well, prove it! Preferably several times a day for at least 30 minutes maintaining a reasonably high heart rate.

“Fat girls can dance!” we’re hectored. Fine, that’s also good excer— no, actually, you can’t. And stop coming to gay clubs, you’re repellant.

There’s only one message that should be sent to fat people: fix yourself. Fix your health. Run, work out and eat lean protein and vegetables. You are not normal, you are not healthy, and you will die if you continue in your horrible, selfish lifestyle.

You will not be happy, you will not find love and even those who your left-wing advocates persuade or bully into hiding their true opinions will silently pity you. And they will never, ever fuck you.

Also, I don’t want to see you in public — and yes, that includes the gym — until you’re a socially acceptable size. Starve at home. There’s no reason a decade of your bad life choices should be inflicted on me while I’m trying to check out the hot guy behind the front desk.

And quit it with the bogus “fat shaming doesn’t work” “studies.” Of course it works. I got giggled at for putting on three pounds when I was 26 and I’ve been paying $3,000 a month for a celebrity personal trainer ever since.

The answer is not to turn to a retailer that instead of running a credit check before giving you a store card, has you bequeath your estate to the store. If you want to live a good life, the answer isn’t to love yourself. It’s to hate yourself. And then make a change. Need advice on where to start? Here, read my guide.

Being fat is not healthy. Stop lying to your customers and pandering to the mentally ill, JC Penney — and stop enabling addictive behaviors that will leave your customers miserable, ill and, ultimately, dead.

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