I’m a Londoner who supports Manchester United. Go on, have your fun in the comments section. But as a child, I wasn’t about to trade the roof over my head for a strained, localist attempt to support a competitor team to that of my father’s. So I grew up in a United household. Get over it.
And of course, my beloved team has struggled of late. I predicted that we’d finish sixth the season after Sir Alex Ferguson left. I thought “I’ve become a pessimist as I’ve aged”. We finished seventh. So there I was being optimistic again.
But with this summer’s signings, I’ve become newly invigorated about our prospects this season. American friends of mine, who all, for some reason, support Arsenal, have been revelling in their Community Shield win this weekend (well, they’re American… AND Arsenal fans… what can you do?) and telling me how we’ve got no chance. But I reckon the United marketing people have the real answer: tits.
Some newspapers have tried to confect a row over the plunging neckline of the new, Man Utd women’s kit, based, from what I can tell, off the back of one or two tweets by some breastily-challenged supporters.
But I reckon boobs are the answer to Wayne Rooney’s goal droughts, and Angel Di Maria’s uninspiring performances.
Just imagine, Rooney’s bearing down on goal… he looks up, looks for help, there’s no one around. He’s about to slow down and lash one into Row Z, when suddenly, he notices these mounds of bouncing flesh in the stands.
“Go on Rooney!” shouts the slim, blonde girl in the crowd.
He glances… but just a PEEK… and the blood sets off coursing through his veins. The testosterone kicks in. He realises he’s just 12 yards from goal, bearing down on the keeper. He thinks, “Yes. Tits.” and wallops it into the back of the net. The crowd goes wild. The girl jumps up and down. And for a moment, everything is wonderful and right with the universe again.
Okay maybe that got a bit weird. But the point is this: Manchester United have done a great justice, no – not to men – but to womankind, in developing a women’s kit that is actually flattering.
The complaints such as “Some of us don’t like to show cleavage” are lost on me, having had plenty a female friend who is the same – who simply puts a thin tank top underneath a plunging blouse. Or, as some have suggest – could buy the men’s version of the kit if they don’t want to show off their jubblies.
But the main criticism, and therefore the entire news story, came from Twitter user @MUnitedGirl, who has an impressive 27,300 followers. She said a few days ago: “Seriously @adidas?! why is the V neck so low compared with mens one? Some of us don’t like to show cleavage.”
But notwithstanding the irony of most of her tweets being pictures of male footballers in their tight shorts, or in the changing rooms, or just generally objectifying them – she’s already retracted her comments, issuing a “statement” today via Twitter:
“It seems that I created yet another monster with my opinion yesterday (big whoops), with many misunderstanding my comments.
“Although I did this it was unnecessary for the V-collar to be so low, I was more disappointed that Adidas failed to create an exact replica of the team’s (mens) shirt in women’s sizes.”
This is of course the same kit that @MUnitedGirl found so offensive and “horrendous” just two months ago. But we should congratulate her on seeing common sense, and telling it like it is, instead of the easy option: becoming your typical, shrill “social justice warrior” campaigning for Manchester United to withdraw their whole female replica line for the season. Because she’s a real fan, so she’s putting the team first.
“It gets better,” she continued, “apparently I’m a feminist and scream for equality of the sexes. To be frank, I couldn’t care less. All I wanted was a shirt I could fit into for crying out loud! Yes I’m that selfish.”
If only that’s what feminism were anymore, dear fellow United fan. But I welcome your mea culpa, and accept it on behalf of all other United fans on the planet.
Now, if you’re not going to post selfies of you in the new United kit… maybe Karen Danczuk will?