After his stunning victories in the north-eastern primaries, Donald Trump needs less than 300 more delegates to secure the Republican nomination. So, #NeverTrump haters and losers — it’s time we had a little talk.
Now, I know Trump and the alt-right hurt your feelings by relentlessly undermining the anointed heir to the Royal House of Bush, as well as that flamboyant, permanently dehydrated ADHD junkie from Florida, but it’s time to let bygones be bygones.
So, by all means spend a few days in a safe space blowing bubbles and eating oatmeal raisin cookies like your feminist compatriots to recover, but after that it’ll be time to face reality: Trump is going to be your party’s nominee.
It’s not so bad, honestly. If you get behind Trump fast enough, your betrayed base might forget comments like “we decide the nominee, not the voters.”
Those weren’t just any old voters you were alienating, by the way. They include the next generation of conservative firebrands, who are currently gravitating to Trump, the alt-right, and me. Unlike most right-wing writers, my biggest demographic is 18-34 year olds. Your supporters will be dead or retired in ten years. Ours won’t.
It’s pretty simple, really. Either you want your party and movement to die, or you don’t.
Past GOP presidents, love them or hate them, have been iconoclasts and men of great charisma — not charm, necessarily, but strong personalities who take great risks. Mitt Romney didn’t lose elections because he was too sexist or racist — a lie internalised by a shocking number of establishment conservatives. He lost because he’s a robotic, unlikable bore with ideas that resemble the folks who want to ship Americans’ jobs overseas.
And let’s not forget, Trump has promised to become more “presidential” if he gets the nomination. You might even persuade him to adopt some toned-down, establishment-approved, Romneyesque slogans. Here are some ideas:
- “Make America Slightly Better Again”
- “Not Completely Forthright Ted”
- “Less Than Perfectly Honest Hillary”
Some other potential compromises:
- We’ll call it a fence not a wall… and it only goes up 10 inches instead of 10 feet every time Mexicans insult it
- We’ll agree some illegal gang members are great people and just “lost souls”
- We’ll lower the trade imbalance with China but not boast about it
- Carrier will only pay 29.9% tax not 30%
What else can we do to heal the conservative movement’s wounds? Trump could promise that Ben Shapiro will never hear another height joke, and will be made ambassador to the Pygmies who will make him feel like a giant. Michelle Fields will be Secretary of the Creative Arts, a new cabinet level position. Trump could also pass a law that for every cabinet level appointment there is a special gravy job held specifically for a Bush, a Romney, or a member of the Saudi royal family.
And come on guys. I know you’re fond of screwing people over cigars in dusty backrooms, but wouldn’t it be way better to smoke Trump cigars at the luxurious Mar-a-Lago’ resort, instead of the backroom of the Bush clan’s favorite Masonic lodge in Possum Gulch, Texas?
The GOP establishment are keen on flooding the country with cheap workers. Backing Trump just means your party will be flooded with cheap voters — you don’t have to bribe them this time; Trump will make them come for free! And they aren’t even Mexican gang members — just disgruntled blue-collar Democrats and independents.
You own the beltway, and you’ll always own the beltway. So why not come together with the unwashed masses, behind Trump? Don’t forget, you need the base to keep funding your lavish lifestyles.
Look, the Inner Party of Oceania in 1984, which you’ve modelled yourself on so well, was adept at the idea of doublethink. It’s perfectly acceptable to both hate Trump and tell the proles to vote for him. Stop letting the hate cloud your vision and act in your own best interest, like you normally do.
And really, who else would you run instead? Paul Ryan’s baby blues would fill with tears when he inevitably loses on the national stage. Besides, you need him in congress to ram through TPP and amnesty bills, don’t you?
Romney again? He’s so nice to the bad guys he’s an easy choice, but doesn’t running a Mormon again hurt the “Islam is the future” globalist agenda?
John McCain? The poor man’s already survived torture once — don’t put him through another failed presidential bid.
Some of you are convinced that Trump will lose to Hillary, hence your support for the eminently electable Ted Cruz and charismatic people’s champion Jeb Bush. And it’s true that Hillary currently beats Trump in the polls. But Trump hasn’t even started exposing all the skeletons in her closet yet — assuming the FBI don’t get there first. Remember, this time last year, Jeb Bush was ahead in the polls. Look how that turned out!
Oh, sorry, I shouldn’t have reminded you. Here, have a box of tissues.
Sure, you may not like Trump, but is he worse than Hillary? Are you really going to walk down to your polling station, vote for the Republican candidate for Senator and Congressman, and then leave the Presidential ballot empty? Would you really let another Clinton romp into the White House?
Well, Charles Koch has suggested he might do more than that. He might come out and support Clinton wholeheartedly. I’m sure a few other establishment die-hards entertain similar thoughts. And let’s be clear: when they do, they ought to be cast out of the conservative movement.
Never has a candidate with this much promise faced this much opposition. Trump offers everything conservatives have been complaining about for decades: a secure border, improved trade, and an America restored to its rightful place in the world. That is, the top. The best. The greatest. Number one. And the polls will say so!
Trump speaks for the kind of conservative voters that the GOP takes for granted at every election, offering lofty promises that they promptly break. He’s high-energy. You’re damp squibs. It’s time to fall in line behind the patriarch and see what happens.
Your voters have had enough of being lied to, and this time, they’re going to get what they want. You may hate them, but remember — you need them more than they need you.
Because, having thrown almost 1,000 delegates to Daddy, it’s pretty clear that they, not you, are the Republican Party.
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