Fellas, just face it: if you’re reading this, you’re going to be alone on Valentine’s Day. Don’t feel down; it’s good practice for when you die alone.
What’s that? You’d rather not be alone? You’ve let society turn you into an insecure, outcome-dependent wuss? Well, if I can’t dissuade you, let me do the next-best thing: pass along advice from politicians that’s guaranteed to keep you unlucky in love.
Take House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi. She’s been active this week on a Valentine’s-themed social media campaign: #WhatWomenNeed. Monday morning, she shared a photo with her Twitter followers telling them exactly what the fairer sex can’t live without:
— Nancy Pelosi (@NancyPelosi) February 10, 2014
Yes! That coworker you’re crushing on? The way to her heart is a reasonably-priced nanny–except she doesn’t have kids, so now she knows you’re a needy creep who thinks of her as a baby factory.
Do you have a thing for that single mom whose path you’ve crossed at the gym here and there? Thinking of buying her chocolates? Nancy has a worse idea for you:
— Nancy Pelosi (@NancyPelosi) February 6, 2014
Awww yeahhh, you are so destined to fail. Not only is this the exact advice from her other message, making you predictable and boring, but it’s an insult to this chick’s parenting skills, too. Sure, there’s a pretty good chance she chose to leave some sad sack like you to get on this life path requiring professionals to look after her kids, but you’ll end up the bad guy for pointing it out–so get ready to crash and burn, buddy.
If you like Nancy’s horrible suggestions, you’ll go nuts for her friend’s ideas, too. There’s Sen. Mazie Hirono (D-HI), who wants you to make sniveling apologies for a statistic everybody knows is bull.
— Senator Mazie Hirono (@maziehirono) February 10, 2014
Then there’s Rep. Charlie Rangel (D-NY), who wants you to proceed with exactly what science shows won’t get you laid:
Not satisfied? Face it, dude: this is the best advice you’re gonna get. The only foolproof way to achieve that requited love you’ve always wanted is the ol’ Ted Bundy maneuver: get convicted for murder. The marriage proposals will come pouring in through the death row mail room. However, I would never recommend this course of action to anyone, even if it means replicating Charles Manson’s success with obsessively devoted 19-year-olds. Don’t break the law just because you’re lonely! Do what Nancy says instead–even if it’s the worst.
Also, ladies, if you’re reading this, have a happy Valentine’s Day this weekend. Hope you find that special someone!