The Truth About Chris Matthews' Tea Party Paranoia

While speaking during his “Hardball” show earlier this week, Chris “Thrill Up His Leg” Matthews waxed poetic about how wonderful the universe would be if only Barack Obama was re-elected in 2012. Well, almost — what he really said was how lousy things he would be if a Republican were elected. He created a paranoid litany of inevitable consequences to a Republican electoral victory:

Tea Partiers and neocons… celebrating the death penalty, elevating torture, ending environmental protection as we know it, breaking unions, punishing gays, starting more wars, and enacting one more giant tax cut for the rich – or worse.

Maybe Matthews has a point. While the list of horrors he mentioned are close to our agenda, Matthews is a bit off on every item he listed, but he has spurred me think maybe it’s time for the tea partying neocons like me to admit what we really have in store for this country should our candidates get elected in 2012. Since no one else is willing to do it, I guess it will be up to me to let the world know. Below is the secret Tea Partier’s list of what we will get done in the first year after we take over.

  • The Death Penalty– Matthews is wrong to insinuate conservatives celebrate death; we celebrate life and those who believe in a death penalty feel it is a necessary evil. That being said, we plan to add two crimes to the Capital Punishment list:

Wearing too much perfume. You know those people who always plop down next to you on a train or bus who smell like they’ve basted themselves is “aire de cheapo perfume?” Sorry ladies (and fellows with cologne), but that is a crime against humanity.

Cell phone abusers. You’re on the 6 a.m. train into Manhattan catching a precious few extra moments of sleep when suddenly, two rows in front of you a guy disturbs your slumber by talking loudly into his cell phone about his “conquest” the night before. Under a GOP/Tea Party administration, DHS agents will be on each and every bus and train car with orders to shoot and kill the loud public phone talker.

  • Elevating Torture– Again, Matthews has the right idea, just not in the way he thinks. We will not be torturing any al Qaeda terrorists, but we will be torturing people whose time has long passed, just to convince them to “go away.” I am speaking about people like Al Gore and Meghan McCain, to name only a few. Also earning torture will be anybody who creates horrible nightmares; I am talking about the mental images that cause people to scream in their sleep forever. I don’t mean the directors of horror films– rather, the real horror inducers like Nancy Grace having a wardrobe malfunction on live TV or 967-year-old Hugh Hefner talking about his sex life with 22-year-old playmates.

  • Punishing Gays- Okay, Matthew has us there. Once the Tea Party Neocons take over, we will be punishing gays. We will also be punishing African-Americans, Latinos, Jews, women, Muslims, redheads, other conservatives and anybody else who breaks the law. We won’t be punishing groups but individuals, and unlike the progressives, we will treat everyone equally, without political correctness or regards to their race, religion, hair color and/or what kind of pre-sweetened cereal they had for breakfast.

  • Breaking Unions- There is one rule that the Neo-Tea Party types have which Mr. Matthews must be unaware of: “you break it, you fix it.” No one wants to break anything. In fact, it is because of this rule that we do not support Barack Obama for re-election. He broke the economy and instead of trying to fix it, he wants to keep breaking it.

  • Starting More Wars- Mr. Tingle must have read this one wrong. The Neo-Teas do not want to start wars. We want our President to get congressional approval before he starts any wars, just like President Bush did before Afghanistan and Iraq but as President Obama didn’t before Libya.

  • Tax Cuts For The Rich- Yep, we can own up to that one also. Those nasty conservatives do want tax cuts for the rich; they also want tax cuts for the middle class and anybody else who fits into the 53% of Americans who pay income taxes. I will let you in on a little secret; you cannot tell anyone where you heard it. Those Tea Party neocons believe that the tax monies paid into the government is really the taxpayers’ money, so the government should be using less of it and returning as much as possible to its original owners. Shocking, I know!

  • And Even Worse- Here’s is something that even Chris Matthews doesn’t know. There is a Tea Party Plan to force Crayola Crayons to get rid of some of their crayon colors because the names sound too subversive. Among those slotted for elimination are:

-Atomic Tangerine (sounds too terroristy)

-Beaver (no sexual references)

-Cotton Candy (this recommendation came from Michelle Obama)

-Magic Mint (too druggy)

-Piggy Pink (sounds too much like Congressional earmarks)

-Tickle Me Pink (sounds too much like former Congressman Massa)

There you have it — the real agenda of the neocons and Tea Party Movement. And to think if Chris Matthews didn’t push the point, we never would have fessed up. No, we probably would have been hanging out looking for ways to live on the public dole, taking other people’s money while looking for others to blame for our problems — you know, just like progressives.


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