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Hillary Clinton’s Campaign App is a ‘Christmas Story’ Secret Decoder Pin

The just released ‘Hillary16’ campaign app is supposed to be the cornerstone of Clinton’s digital dominance over Donald Trump, but competing for “stars” to receive bot-driven personalized Clinton spam messages is like Ralfie in the Christmas Story trying to drink enough Ovaltine to receive a Secret Decoder Pin.

One of the most iconic American movie scenes is Ralfie’s quest to drink gallons of Ovaltine to receive an Orphan Annie Secret Society Decoder Pin in the mail. But when Ralfie decodes his first message with the secret pin, he finds out that it’s a crummy commercial telling him to “Be Sure to Drink Your Ovaltine.”

The Hillary16 Digital HQ App is now advertised on the iTunes Store as follows:

The only thing standing between Donald Trump and the presidency is us. Download the new Hillary 2016 app to take small actions every day that’ll add up to helping win this election—and make history. Test your knowledge, get special access, and compete against your friends (and Hillary supporters across the country!) to do the most good.

In this sort of “Pokémon Go to the Polls!” game, users compete to win “stars” to help Hillary Rodham Clinton get elected as President of the United States.

The first “duty” of Hillary16 app users is to open and decorate a “drab” virtual HRC campaign office space. Users pretty-up the space by “purchasing” lighting, desks, tables, plants and a wide variety of other furniture and wall hangings. Hipsters on the Hillary16 app won’t want to miss the opportunity to invest in the featured “blue bean bag chair.”

But in a warning for those users concerned they might commit macro aggressions: the users must guard against generating environmental “bad energies” by allowing their virtual HRC campaign “HQ” office plants to wilt because the user failed to visit the site several times a day to virtually water virtually defenseless plants.

Once the Hillary16 user finally moves into to his/her/zir virtual office, he/she/ze must be vigilant by constantly checking his/her/zir iPhone, because the user never knows when there will be a game warning on the site that virtual Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is about to stop by. Users must immediately then invite all their Facebook Friends so they can celebrate hosting a virtual HRC campaign office grand opening.

Each day, Hillary16 app users will be given “four things” they must do to help Hillary win in November, and a counter will track if they complete the tasks in time to win points. In order to add some shame to the Hillary16 app, the user’s points will be compared to points earned by their friends, statewide users and everyone else.

The first task sent to users on July 24 was to answer the question:

“Fill in the blank: The U.S. economy would have produced an additional $_ _ _ _ billion in 2015, if women were received equal pay.”

The choice of answers are “1) $283 billion; 2) $354 billion and 3) $482 billion.”

Drum roll please…. and… the Hillary16 app points winning correct answer is: 482 million!

If a Hillary16 app user continuously answers the qualifying questions correctly and sends gobs of important Hillary16 campaign spam to all their friends, the user will eventually win be eligible to earn virtual stars and virtual trophies.

In an offer for which Christmas Story’s Ralphie would have been willing to drink barrels of Ovaltine, Hillary16 app top performing users who earn 325 points can receive authentic genuine “bots” — a Hillary Clinton picture with a machine generated signature delivered to their home in the U.S. Mail.

Silicon Valley tech CEOs including Eric Schmidt, Sheryl Sandberg, Airbnb C.E.O. Brian Chesky, and Netflix C.E.O. Reed Hastings, signed a letter endorsing Hillary Clinton for president because “Trump would destroy much of what is great about America.”

It has been assumed that this commitment would allow Clinton to dominate Donald Trump in the tech space, but the Hillary16 app’s “digital HQ” game just seems hokey.

Correction: the original version of this article cited a question about jobs instead of the economy.

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