The Bobby-Bash World Cup

Reporting from the BBC in London…

Good morning, and welcome to the 34th Annual Bobby-Bash in East London, England! Today’s event promises to be ripping with action and a jolly tough competition! As you recall, after yesterday’s bash the Anarchists hold a slight lead over the Bobbies, having yesterday knocked seventeen helmets off policemen’s heads and conked five Bobbies with protest signs and flying bottles; but in the third Over, the Bobbies rallied a strong surge with some fine baton swatting and scored twelve bloody noggins upon the Anarchists. An umpire disallowed three of those, however, in the sixth Over, due to a BPC infringement (or Blatant Posturing for Cameras, i.e., exacerbating of the head wound and rubbing of the blood all over the face), which is clearly against International League Bobby Bashing Association rules.

It’s rumoured by some ILBBA officials that Blatant Posturing by the Anarchists has been steadily on the rise, and that unless something is done to reign in the such over-acting, and what one BBC columnist vehemently decried as, “sympathy sucking”, the spirit of the games “…could be tarnished irrevocably! And therein, I ask you, where lays our…tradition of…” The anonymous columnist was unable to continue his remarks, and, so overcome with emotion was he, that he was forced to retreat to the Ten Bells English Pub and counsel with his awaiting and anonymous three pints of Guinness.

“Our international reputation is what’s at stake here,” declared one nameless Member of Parliament. “If we allow blatant posturing violations to continue unabated, it could arouse a general notion that these games are not organized, and that the violent action is willy-nilly mayhem. Then how shall our civilized national past time be viewed within international circles?”

How indeed! Already, some in the press, particularly the American press, are suggesting that these games are in some way uncontrolled and chaotic; completely random acts of ‘violence’, if you can believe! There have even been some misguided reporters cynical enough to term our Bobby-Bash tournaments as ‘riots’. Absurd!

I would remind our intrepid American friends that these games in no way represent anything approaching a civil situation out of control. These fine athletes, on both sides of the barricades, are trained and dedicated professional gamesmen, and play these games in strict adherence to the Rules of Play according to the prevailing ILBBA. My esteemed colleagues and I would wish to extend at this time an offer to any member of the American press to participate in our next tournament personally, and judge for themselves if this activity was not the finest example of competitive sportsmanship ever indulged in, in this century or any other.

American football has its enticements, granted – but few sporting events can compare to the absolute romping thrill of a good plate-glass bank window smash… or a torched Bobby patrol car… or even the simple Bobby gang-stomp.

We are not without our imperfections, however. The League has long attempted to rectify some of the inadequacies inherent in the rules. For instance, some have offered that we should allow the Bobbies to use chin straps to make it harder for the Anarchists to knock them from their heads. Parliament has been debating this one for years, though, and for now, the rule remains ‘no straps allowed’. Two-sided sticky tape is, as always, the preferred alternative.

One important innovation in the rules: If either a Bobby or an Anarchist goes down, then kicking and stomping is limited to a humane sixty-second time limit, at which point the stompers must withdraw and allow the stompee to regain footing. Normal play then resumes.

Also, the League has recently disallowed non-municipal concrete chunks being hurled at the coppers. Only chunks weighing over a half-Kilo and not more than three Kilos, consisting of crumbled London Municipal buildings are allowed in play. No building materials from outlying suburbs will be allowed to be thrown.

Fires used with accelerants are not allowed, and subject to penalty, unless contained in a League-sanctioned Molotov cocktail form. And if a Bobby becomes engulfed in flames over 50% of his body, play is suspended for five minutes while the officer’s flaming body is extinguished by game officials.

Wet rags over the Anarchists face are not allowed unless tear gas has already been released, and then only if hurling 1-kilo concrete chunks at police lines, in which case they are allowed; and as of last year, the keffiyeh may be worn at all times, in tolerant deference to Islam, the religion of peace.

Sadly, many Christian peaceniks have suggested that the competition be halted after six days of extended violence, in keeping with traditional Church of England traditions; allowing the police water cannons to shut it down, in observance of Sunday requiescence. (The poor coppers have little recourse without the water cannon, hopelessly unarmed and outnumbered as they are; thrashed and shoved by the huge crowds, seeming at times little more than mice being swatted about by some playful yet lethal house cat.)

But for now, the games will play on…until the death toll rises above ten souls…or the Anarchists get tired, or bored, or simply run out of drugs and decide to move back into their holes.

In other news…concurrently, there also seems to be some sort of gathering of political leaders nearby, something about a “G-20” or some such thing. I believe it’s involving the economy, or money …but I’m not entirely sure. I will research it and get back to you on that.

For now…back to the games!