ObamaCare and the Post Office

In “The Last Undercover” I chronicle my three year infiltration of NAMBLA, the North American Man Boy Love Association. I allude to another undercover investigation but do not discuss it in detail because criminal prosecution is still pending. So while posing as a pedophile I also spent three years targeting a Chinese criminal syndicate. Since I only had one undercover cell phone, when it rang I didn’t know if I was supposed to be the lover of prepubescent boys or a macho international arms dealer. The FBI dubbed the investigation OPERATION SMOKING DRAGON and it was a great case. By the time we wrapped it up more than thirty federal indictments (with multiple defendants) were returned.

The investigation included charges of conspiring to sell surface-to-air missiles, the sale of counterfeit currency, clothing, and cigarettes. It also included counterfeit postage stamps…yep, the Chinese were counterfeiting our 37 cent postage stamp (I’m sure now they are doing the Forever Stamp but all my connections are in federal prison so I guess I’ll have to pay for them like everyone else). I obtained hundreds of thousands of the counterfeit flag stamps packaged 100 to a roll. One postal inspector told me it was one of their largest seizures ever. I say all that because last week I had an issue with the post office and my “celebrity” status apparently carried no weight.

I will be the first to admit I think the post office does a darn good job. I’m amazed most of the mail I send gets to its intended destination, but last week the USPS failed me.

My wife and I were back in the Midwest on a family emergency. On Wednesday while bouncing between three states I realized I left my car keys in one state, was driving in a borrowed car to a second state, and the next day would be in a third state. I was returning to Southern California on Friday and needed the keys to drive home from the airport. Our daughter went to the post office and explained the situation. The keys had to be overnighted. They had to arrive on Thursday since the flight was leaving Friday. The post office employee was very understanding, provided her a price, took delivery of the package containing the keys to my pick-up, affixed the postage, and promised they would arrive by noon the next day. All was right with the world.

When my wife and I arrived to the third state at five o’clock on Thursday no package awaited me. I called my daughter who provided a tracking number. We accessed the automated system and learned the post office attempted to deliver the package at 10:30 a.m. but no one was home to accept delivery. My father-in-law balked and said he had been home the entire day. Since he is a retired minister I accepted his word. We contacted the local post office and learned the package was still in state number one. The original postal employee quoted the wrong price to my daughter and affixed the incorrect amount of postage, therefore they would not deliver the package. The deliveryman went to my daughter’s house at 10:30 to get the additional postage but she wasn’t home so the package sat at the main post office in state number one, far from where I needed it to be.

I refrained from using language I learned in the Marine Corps but questioned why they delivered first class letters with postage due but would not deliver overnight mail when it “absolutely had to be there.” The explanation was…it’s against policy. So the keys remained in state number one, that post office was closed, and my daughter could not pick up the keys until the next day, Thursday. Of course the post office couldn’t mail the package Thursday night because there was still postage due even though I agreed to pay the postage at this end. The next day when my daughter went to the main post office to retrieve the keys she sought a well-deserved refund BUT no. She needed to return to the post office where she mailed the package which was never sent. Now granted “rules is rules” but any Costco or Target will take back anything they sell at any store, seems like the main post office could at least give a refund.

During this family emergency I also listened to people complain about the long lines at the unemployment office and the fact the FBI didn’t respond to their complaints in a timely fashion. I don’t doubt their heartfelt concerns but I did remind them the same people running the post office, working at the unemployment office, and answering phones at the FBI would be the same people deciding their medical treatment if the Democrats get their way.

I’m sure my story fell on deaf ears but I’m checking with Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner and his edition of Turbo Tax and maybe now I can deduct the entire cost of the trip as a business expense since Big Hollywood posted my story,