DAVID GREGORY: Our guest today on Meet the Press, CIA Director Leon Panetta. Welcome, sir.
PANETTA: Good Morning, Tim. I heard you’d passed away. Glad you’re back.
GREGORY: Uh, thanks. How do you see the Afghan struggle playing out?
PANETTA: Well, my wife insists on a wall covering, but I prefer a rug, say a Turkestan Kunduz in the Persian style. We may need a mediator.
GREGORY: Sir, would you embed journalists in CIA special ops teams?
PANETTA: I resent that question, Tim. I’m a happily married man.
GREGORY: Sorry. Do you employ Muslims at Langley, sir?
PANETTA: I do, Tim. I chose muslin with cheery Wide Ruffles for my office windows. I also ordered muslin backdrops for videographic contrast in our interrogation rooms.
GREGORY: The ”ticking time bomb” scenario, sir. You capture a terrorist after he’s hidden a nuke in New York. Now what?
PANETTA: We get him out of harm’s way, unintentionally denying him his martyrdom. Of course, that’s a violation of his right to practice his religion as he sees fit. He’d probably retain Ramsey Clark and sue us in The Hague. We’d lose.
GREGORY: President Obama wants to be Jimmy Carter to the Palestinians and Bush 43 to the Israelis. How could he pull this off?
PANETTA: Supply Hamas with surplus self-propelled howitzers. Simultaneously, give Israel Northrop’s Skyguard Laser Defender™ to fry those howitzer shells in mid-flight. No harm, no foul.
GREGORY: What will the president say to Palestinian President Abbas and Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu at next week’s summit?
PANETTA: He’ll demand Palestinians acknowledge Israel’s determination to avoid another holocaust. And he’ll tell Israelis our support is unconditional unless they refuse to recognize a Palestinian state bent on their destruction.
GREGORY: What’s happening in Gaza now, sir?
PANETTA: Where the pyramids are?
GREGORY: No, that’s Giza. How about the West Bank?
PANETTA: The big savings and loan in Houston?
GREGORY: Never mind. Today, the Times suggested a temporary solution to the Palestinian-Israeli stalemate: a buffer zone between the two sides patrolled by evangelical survivalists from Idaho. Your thoughts?
PANETTA: Well, nobody messes with those people. Easy to recruit them, too: they’d be close to the holy places when Iran gets the bomb and the balloon goes up.
GREGORY: But how would it look in Damascus?
PANETTA: Um, nice, I think, in silk or maybe organic cotton, woven in a stylized floral motif.
GREGORY: Right. Is there a last-ditch solution to the Palestinian problem, sir?
PANETTA: Yes, Tim. We force Israel to abandon its homeland and resettle the population in a semi-autonomous enclave in Utah. The president favors this option. Thinks it’ll drive the Mormons crazy. Uh, that’s off the record, Tim.
GREGORY: We’re live, sir. Turning to the terror threat, roughly how many sleeper al Qaeda interlopers would you say are in the U. S. today?
PANETTA: Um, that middle distance, a handful from Pakistan. Plus another 50 or so five kilometer specialists from northern Africa. Finally, about a dozen 30K people from Somalia. We keep a running total.
GREGORY: Sure. Morale’s OK at the Agency, sir?
PANETTA: I posted Morales to Nicaragua last week for screwing up a stakeout. He wasn’t happy.
GREGORY: Is it true, sir, you’re holding Mullah Omar at CIA headquarters?
PANETTA: It is, Tim. He just arrived. We’ll begin interrogating him tomorrow after he’s had a decent meal and a good night’s sleep. The president’s authorized us to waterballoon him. The ACLU said that’s permissible as long as he’s equipped to return interrogators’ fire.
GREGORY: Are we meeting with the Taliban leadership in theater, sir?
PANETTA: Not yet. We recently had an Agency competition for best “Let’s talk” invitation to them. Jamaica station chief won with, ”Come, Mr. Tali Ban. If you dally, you’re bananas! Play this right, mon, we gonna go home.”
GREGORY: Regarding Iran, sir: what’s going on with their nuclear program?
PANETTA: A team of, uh, overt co-operatives is in the region right now monitoring Iran’s progress. They’ll alert us the minute Tel Aviv is A-bombed.
GREGORY: Covert operatives?
PANETTA: Whatever.
GREGORY: What advice have you given the president about pressuring Iran?
PANETTA: I told him, Mr. President, ask the U. N. to declare a worldwide boycott of Iran’s pistachio exports. Smack ’em in the nuts.
GREGORY: Ouch. The spy swap with Russia, sir. Ten for them, four for us. A bad deal?
PANETTA: Not at all, Tim. You haven’t seen the fine print: we get three more agents to be named later and a first round pick in next year’s draft.
GREGORY: Last question, sir: who’s really running things in China?
PANETTA: Uh, it’s Wen, not Hu, Tim. I’ve met both. Hu knows where, or Wen.
GREGORY: CIA Director Leon Panetta. Our security is in capable hands. Thanks for your time.
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