Sorry, Buzz Aldrin, The Moon Landing Was Just ‘Cosmic Manspreading’

American hero Buzz Aldrin came under fire today from prominent feminist Linda Thump, who claimed that the astronaut’s pride about being the second person to walk on the moon was little more than “cissexist white male privilege.”

Speaking on Twitter, Thump said Aldrin’s “constant braggadocio and toxic masculine preening” was the worst ex‎ample of sexist ignorance in the sciences today. “I mean why would we even want to go to the moon? Have you SEEN how white that thing is? Why not focus on Mars as a testament to the brave struggles of the indigenous American peoples.”

“Are we even sure he went there? I read online that the whole thing was probably faked anyway, and it wouldn’t surprise me to learn that the patriarchal Establishment is seeking to consolidate its chokehold on women with fabrications and frauds,” she explained. “As any gender studies major can tell you, scientific progress is an illusion invented by sexist pigs to keep women down.”

“I’m sure Buzz thinks landing on the moon was some kind of ‘scientific accomplishment,'” she continued, “But all it really demonstrates is how far women still have to go to achieve real equality.”

“In many ways the pockmarked, scarred surface of the moon is an accurate reflection of the west’s male dominated and corrupt society,” Thump wrote. “I literally shake with rage that the primary features of the moon have been given Latin names such as ‘Oceanus Procellarum’ or named after dead white men like ‘Copernicus’ and ‘Kepler.’ Where are the moon features named after real heroes like Valerie Solanas?”

Thump went on: “Let’s get real. Until a woman has been to the moon can we honestly say humanity has even left this planet? I think not. Buzz Aldrin should check his privilege.”

Warming to her theme, the lesbian academic this afternoon posted further commentary on her blog, which is titled Kill All Men, They’re Just So Icky And Gross And Who Really Needs Them Anyway, Oh By The Way Daddy My Tuition Is Due.

She accused Aldrin of pandering to “neocolonial triumphalism” and of “cosmic manspreading” and called for NASA, which she described as “a load of straight white male dorks in a shed somewhere,” to change copy on its website to promote diversity and inclusiveness in space travel.

“Okay, so maybe the International Space Station would have taken a few more dings with women piloting the shuttles,” she added, “But at least the interiors ‎would have got a long-overdue spruce-up. All that space gray is, like, soooo Autumn-Winter 2013.”

“And you know what, perhaps if we had more astronauts of color, space wouldn’t look so black all the time! Wait, no, I’ve got that wrong.”

Thump suggested, in comments hailed by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton as “brave” and “prescient,” that the historical record should be updated to reflect Neil Armstrong’s first words from the moon, or “nature’s rape lamp as feminists in good standing call it,” in a more progressive and forward-thinking light.

Thump’s proposed wording runs as follows: “This is an accidental and undeserved moment in time for a lucky entitled manbaby, one giant leap for oppressive neoliberal hegemonic capitalist heteropatriarchy. Fuck the lot of you.”

Buzz Aldrin did not return a request for comment.

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