Act of War: North Korea Holds American Hostages

The tin-pot dictator, Kim Jong-Il (who has turned his entire country into a Communist Gulag) has snatched a couple of American journalists, dragging them across the border from China to be tried on trumped-up spy charges and sentenced to twelve years of hard labor. Here is how the North Korean news agency reported it: “The trial confirmed the grave crime they committed against the Korean nation and their illegal border crossing as they had already been indicted and sentenced each of them to 12 years of reform through labor.” Isn’t that a great line, “Reform through labor…”? Given that almost everyone in North Korea is already starving, I suspect that Euna Lee and Laura Ling are not likely to survive twelve years of “reforming” big rocks into gravel.

At the same time, dictator Kim Jong-Il rattles his puny saber and threatens that if any of his ships carrying nuclear materials to other rogue nations are stopped on the high seas, he will consider it an “act of war.” Well, gee… There was a time not too long ago when the kidnapping of American nationals would have, in itself, been considered an “act of war.” I imagine that had Teddy Roosevelt or even Ronald Reagan been at the helm when Kim Jong-Il took two American nationals hostage, the response would be quite different. More likely it would have gone along the lines of: “You have 24 hours to return our citizens before we start obliterating your military bases – one every hour until the hostages are set free. If we run out of military bases and you still continue to hold them then, unfortunately, we’ll have to start on your cities. Have a nice day.” Then, like any good parent, we would follow through with our pledge.

The United Nations, that feckless and ineffectual cesspool of corruption would, of course, raise a momentary wail of crocodile outrage which would die down in a week or two as the world breathed a collective sigh of relief in the knowledge that the North Korean regime had finally been put in its place.

“Oh, but they now have nuclear weapons and will start a nuclear war,” you say. I doubt it and here’s why: Nuclear bombs are very difficult and expensive to make. North Korea has tested two of them. Those tests were separated by several months, which indicates that they are still very much in the development stage. The first one was very low yield and may not have even been a nuclear detonation at all. By way of historical comparison, when we were at war with Japan, after an unprecedented amount of expense and effort we had amassed an arsenal of exactly three nuclear bombs. The first one we tested in the Nevada desert and the next two were dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki. At that point we had shot our entire nuclear wad. It was only because the Japanese believed we had more bombs that they decided it was better to surrender. This points to the likelihood that North Korea, at present at least, doesn’t have a big stockpile of nuclear weapons. Nor do they have any sort of reliable missile delivery system in place that could be geared up in time to give them much clout. Finally, our military technology is so vastly superior that, at present, they pose little substantive threat to our allies or us. The important words to remember are “at present.” The more time we give them, the more likely they are to make themselves into a far more significant menace.

But, so much for fantasies. We now live in kinder, gentler times. Pipsqueak lunatics with over-inflated egos like Kim Jong-Il are permitted to boss the U.S. around with their grandiose threats. So, thanks to our President and State Department dithering around trying to find just the right words to cajole Kim Jong-Il into giving back our journalists, their plight has petty much dropped off the radar. It has been replaced by our Fearless Leader’s desire to immediately socialize health care before any debate can be mustered and his highly principled stand on making sure the FDA regulates the evils of tobacco.

In keeping with our new, more soothing approach to tough foreign policy decisions, I would like to suggest an alternative tactic for getting our two young journalists back. Al Gore, who employs them at Current TV, has indicated he is willing to personally plead for their release. If he does go to North Korea, I propose a swap. Let’s trade Al Gore for Euna Lee and Laura Ling. Just think of all the wonderful results that could come of it! We wouldn’t have Uncle Al jetting around promulgating his crackpot Global Warming hysteria in public any longer. On his days off from rock breaking he could even try convincing the North Korean establishment to go green and sink money into the alternative energy companies he stands to make millions from. Kim Jong-Il would be far happier having a real celebrity in captivity and even our own broadcast media could make it into an entertaining spectacle. I can see it now: “Nightline – Day 4,327 – Al Gore Held Hostage!” Maybe some good can come of this situation after all.