Late-night hosts were in a full-fledged panic Wednesday night, trading in their usual left-leaning one-liners about President Donald Trump for full-on fearmongering in response to the news that Justice Anthony Kennedy is leaving the Supreme Court.
Leading the way was CBS funnyman Stephen Colbert, who opened his show by declaring to his audience that “we are supremely screwed. Think about it, the court that just this week crippled unions, upheld Trump’s Muslim ban and race-based gerrymandering might turn conservative.”
Jabbing Justice Kennedy, Colbert added, “I never thought I’d say this, but you’re only 81! And don’t tell me your mind’s going, because I read Bush v. Gore and Citizens United, you never had one.”
Comedy Central’s late-night joker said announced the news by cracking wise about Vice President Mike Pence ejaculating.
“Trump will likely replace [Kennedy] with a Justice who would discriminate and dismantle abortion rights and LGBTQ rights, and that sound you’re hearing right now is Mike Pence having his first orgasm,” Noah said (his second ejaculation joke in three days).
“Justice Kennedy, what are you doing retiring, man? You have a great job where you get to wear a robe all day and give your opinions on stuff,” the NBC host said before joking about President Trump being out of office in a matter of months. “Stick around, we’ll have a new president in six months, top.”
The NBC funnyman took a softer approach to Kennedy’s announcement, telling his audience, “Today Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy announced he was retiring, which means President Trump will pick his own justice.”
“When asked which judge he will choose, Trump said either Adam Levine or Blake Shelton. ‘They’re both a little edgy, tough decisions,'” Fallon joked. “He’ll go from sitting around in a robe all day to sitting around in a robe all day.”
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