Nolte: George Will Is an Equine’s Posterior

George Will, a Pulitzer Prize-winning conservative American newspaper columnist, journalist, and author is interviewed by AP writer Hillel Italie on politics, history, and life without the late William F. Buckley, at Will's office in Washington's Georgetown district, Tuesday, April 22, 2008. (AP Photo/J. Scott Applewhite)

George F. Will is angry at Vice President Mike Pence, and when George F. Will is angry, George F. Will takes it out on his thesaurus. In just the first paragraph we are treated to the words “oleaginous,” “feral,”  “obsequiousness,” “benefactor,” “augmenting,” and “lickspittle.”

Hemingway, George F. Will is not. Nor is he a Republican. Will left the GOP in a snit over Trump (bye, Felicia!)

Mike Pence now sucks one bigger than Trump, y’all, Will says.

To be clear, those were not Will’s exact words. But that is how my Pretentious-o-lator translated the following: “Because his is the authentic voice of today’s lickspittle Republican Party, he clarifies this year’s elections: Vote Republican to ratify groveling as governing.”

I have read that six times and keep getting lost in the middle thing.

F’n Will is angry at Pence over something he describes as “oozing unctuousness from every pore,” which immediately sent me to Google, where I discovered that the second Ninja Turtles movie in the original trilogy is streaming free on YouTube and ended up watching that.

Vanilla Ice rulez.

Anyway,  I never got the chance to look up “unctuousness” which sounds made up, or as one says in GeorgeFWillenese — concocted, which comes from the root of the Greek word “coc” that translates into anyone using it being a dick.

This, by far, is the most touching portion of Will’s piece…

Hoosiers, of whom Pence is one, sometimes say that although Abraham Lincoln was born in Kentucky and flourished in Illinois, he spent his formative years — December 1816 to March 1830 — in Indiana, which he left at age 21. Be that as it may, on Jan. 27, 1838, Lincoln, then 28, delivered his first great speech, to the Young Men’s Lyceum in Springfield. Less than three months earlier, Elijah Lovejoy, an abolitionist newspaper editor in Alton, Ill., 67 miles from Springfield, was murdered by a pro-slavery mob. Without mentioning Lovejoy — it would have been unnecessary — Lincoln lamented that throughout America, “so lately famed for love of law and order,” there was a “mobocratic spirit” among “the vicious portion of [the] population.” So, “let reverence for the laws . . . become the political religion of the nation.” Pence, one of evangelical Christians’ favorite pin-ups, genuflects at various altars, as the mobocratic spirit and the vicious portion require.

…because never before has a man so desperately needed others to acknowledge he has read a book.

Other than the fact that Pence did not spend his “formative” years “flourishing” at a “Lyceum” with a fella named “Lovejoy” while “genuflecting at various altars” of the “vicious portion” of a “mobocratic spirit,” Will is foot-stomping angry at Pence for three things:

1) Pence is loyal to Trump. 2) Pence left a football game to protest the players not standing for the national anthem. 3) Pence is a fan of former Sheriff Joe Arpaio.

I will take them in order…

1) Will Writes, “Last June, a Trump Cabinet meeting featured testimonials offered to Dear Leader by his forelock-tugging colleagues. … Judging by the number of times Pence announces himself ‘humbled,’ he might seem proud of his humility, but that is impossible because he is conspicuously devout and pride is a sin.”

I’d like to respond to that but my Pretentious-o-lator kept asking me to repeat the middle thing.

2) Will writes, “Pence and his retinue flew to Indiana for the purpose of walking out of an Indianapolis Colts football game, thereby demonstrating that football players kneeling during the national anthem are intolerable to someone of Pence’s refined sense of right and wrong.”

Apparently, Will is angry because the Vice President of the United States chose to make a statement about the indecency of spoiled, crybaby millionaires who only work 16 days a year, spitting on the American flag.

Oh, okay, George.

3) Will writes, “Noting that Arpaio was in his Tempe audience, Pence, oozing [COWABUNGA!] unctuousness from every pore, called Arpaio ‘another favorite,’ professed himself ‘honored’ by Arpaio’s presence, and praised him as ‘a tireless champion of . . . the rule of law.'”

Will is angry that Pence praised a man who continued to enforce federal law in defiance of a  judge who ordered him to ignore the law.

Will would have hated Martin Luther King.

Never Trumper Will closes this way, “Trump is what he is, a floundering, inarticulate jumble of gnawing insecurities and not-at-all compensating vanities, which is pathetic. Pence is what he has chosen to be, which is horrifying.”

Whatevs.

All I know is that at long last the 77-year-old George F. Will is no longer a Sunday show regular, which had become the pundit-equivalent of watching fat Elvis in a sequined jumpsuit doing karate moves.

Follow John Nolte on Twitter @NolteNC. Follow his Facebook Page here.

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