This lockdown has to come to an end at some point, right? Eventually, we will be able to go about our normal lives, correct? Surely, they can’t keep us cooped up in here much longer, can they? Well, all this waiting around gives a man time to think and that’s what I’ve been doing.
The last two months have been really tough for sports fans.
We live mostly empty, meaningless lives so we have to fill the time by watching other people play sports. And we haven’t been able to do that. Yes, the pandemic has been tough on healthcare workers what with the exhaustive hours spent keeping people alive but let’s not forget sports fans. They are suffering as well. To that end, I have come up with some changes that will make things a little better when we go back to watching other people do things that we can’t do.
The Houston Astros need corporal punishment: What they did was egregious and they got caught. They must pay. Currently, 19 states regularly allow corporal punishment in their public- school systems. God bless each and every one of these states- obviously most are in the South. Usually students are given a choice between suspension or paddling and Major League Baseball should extend that same courtesy to the Astros. Let’s say the Astros have the choice of either being suspended for the entire year or playing every game shoeless. I know what you’re thinking- would that be painful enough? I think it would be, yes. The barefoot players would invariably get spiked once or twice a game and can you imagine the sheer volume of stubbed toes. Wouldn’t it be fun to see Alex Bregman cry after stubbing his toe for the 5th time? It’s a fair punishment and then everyone can just move on.
LeBron and Steve Kerr need to take a loyalty oath: If I’m expected to cheer for these guys, I need to know they would want America to win WW3 God forbid. Their refusal to criticize China while lambasting our POTUS should definitely give people some pause. They could take the oath at halftime of the first game back. You could have the dancers and acrobats make way for a Supreme Court Justice and a bible. I think everyone would feel a whole lot better knowing where they stood.
No more tackling NFL quarterbacks: They’re too important to the success of a team and the NFL as a whole. Take Aaron Rodgers off the Packers and they win 3 games a year. Take Patrick Mahomes off the Chiefs and they have a top 5 pick this year. Quarterbacks are so vital each team should draft 1 or 2 of them every year just to see if they got lucky. I can’t believe they don’t. They’re not regular NFL players and need to be treated as such. Does Tom Cruise have to eat with the stuntmen on the set of a film? No more tackling! I’m not sure if I even want them touched. In short, If you’re a defensive end and you beat your lineman off the ball and have a blind side shot on the QB, you fall to your knees and point and the referee blows the whistle. Who are you to think you should be able to bring harm to Tom Brady?
When a golfer has to drop a ball after a penalty it must be dropped from knee height: This has to change for purely aesthetic reasons. Picture the great Tiger Woods squatting down and daintily dropping a ball onto the grass…it looks very effeminate, doesn’t it? Yes, that has to change. This is not helping the stereotype of the pampered, effete golfer. Go back to dropping from shoulder height and even let them spike it if they want.
No more male-female transgenders competing against natural females: Does this really have to be said? How was this ever allowed? This will be the first piece of evidence presented when they do post-mortem on what went wrong with our PC-addled society. Show me a normal, rational person who thinks this is a good idea? You can’t. As far as letting female-male transgenders compete against men- have at it and good luck. One of the first instances of this was Fallon Fox (Born Boyd Burton) almost killing a girl in the ring in mixed martial arts (MMA). They let a man beat up a woman inside a ring and people paid money to see it. This needs to be shouted from the rooftops. Which leads to a larger point. You ever notice how there are some very strange things going on in this country that would be considered insane just 20 short years ago.
Topping the list has to be women’s MMA: That is women’s mixed martial arts where women fight in cages surrounded by men cheering them on. Crazy, right? Yet it happens every week. Second-century Romans in the Coliseum would think it’s insane. They would gladly watch gladiators fight lions and bears but never watch 2 women fighting each other because that would be barbaric.
And Romans hated Barbarians- you can look it up.
If Caligula came back today and saw women’s MMA he would say “what the hell is wrong with you people?”. And this is coming from a man that had sex with his horse. It’s not normal behavior to watch 2 women fighting in a cage and there is something wrong with people that enjoy it. And if you pay money to watch it, you’re likely going to hell. There are some tough, even violent women but in general they are soft and cuddly and need men’s protection. This used to be a non-controversial statement. The fact that men are promoting this is sick and disturbing. Well, it needs to stop. So women’s MMA is officially cancelled. The gals can go do pro wrestling or train people at Orange Theory but they can’t fight in cages anymore.
Limit how much time coaches can spend in their offices preparing game plans: Joe Gibbs started this trend back in the early 80’s by sleeping in his office at Redskin Park. He was successful and now every coach thinks he should work 22 hours a day. It’s not healthy and your family suffers. It’s mostly overkill anyway. It’s a player’s game. These coaches aren’t that smart. Chuck Noll didn’t believe in the moon landing and he won 4 Super Bowls. Jimmy Johnson’s lips move when he reads. Even Bill Belichek sounds like he was just hit with a hammer. Hasn’t anyone listened to the lyrics of Cats in the Cradle?? Spend time with your family not your playbook.
Shorten the baseball season: For the love of God 162 games is too long. Imagine being a Baltimore Oriole and being 25 games under 500 and you still have to go out there and play 100 more games. It’s cruel and unusual punishment. What kid would want to train his whole life to play baseball only to find when you make it to the show it’s a living nightmare? To put in perspective, after a major league baseball player has played 145 games they still have more games left on their schedule than the entire season for an NFL player. Insanity. Make the season 90 games and give these poor bastards some rest.
Multi-millionaire athletes have to start giving more money to charity: The Today show on NBC ran a big puff piece on Kevin Love of the Cleveland Cavaliers for donating 100K to the Cleveland arena workers during the pandemic. Nice story, right? Hoda Kotb praised Love for his generosity. What a great guy, etc., etc., etc. Until you find out Kevin Love makes 30 million dollars a year. Every year. 100K is insulting. If I swept that arena I would refuse the money.
If I was Love, I would be embarrassed if the public found out I only gave 100K. I certainly wouldn’t appear on the Today Show and bask in the glory. 100K?? That’s probably his bar bill when he hits the clubs. And in fairness, I guess he is generous…for an NBA player. The average NBA salary is 7.7 million dollars a year. There used to be a concept in this county called “noblesse oblige’ that roughly means when you are given a lot (30 million dollars a year) you have the duty to look out for those less fortunate. Drew Brees did give 5 million for to local charities for hunger relief. He makes 33 million a year. We should be hearing about these Brees types on a daily basis but that doesn’t seem to be the case. And even with Brees…5 million, really Drew, that’s it?
Ok, I’m out of things to be angry about. Until next time.
Dan Redmond covers golf for Breitbart and can be found on Twitter @danfromdc